But then, I hit on a scheme that doesn’t end with repeated anal-rape in a federal prison. You see, I read that one of the best absorbents of oil is human hair. I was going to suggest that people donate that, but alas, the 70’s (and the days are the afro) are over. And Questlove can only do so much on his own.
Fortunately, I’ve come up with a previously untapped resource of human hair: pubes.
Stay with me here, because my new Pubes to Stop Petrol Foundation is revolutionary because it solves not one, but THREE of the biggest problems challenging Americans today:
1) If we don’t preserve Louisiana’s coast, where will tomorrow’s hookers learn to degrade themselves on spring break before flunking out of state college?
2) Provided we harvest from the right people, we can simultaneously repopulate the gulf’s crab population.
3) I'll have a more polite way to ask the ladies to trim that shit instead of getting slapped for asking, “Why is Fidel Castro eating an undercooked pot-roast in your panties?”
