What the hell do we have now? Rock stars have been reduced to biting. Of course, it’s a bit of a stretch to call Axl Rose a rock star these days. Rock stars have to actually play music. I think FOX needs to bring back celebrity boxing and put Rose against “actor” Gary Busey. Now that’s good TV. You could almost guarantee one of them losing an eye.
Only once in my life have I really been tempted to trash a hotel room. And I was seriously considering going full-blown rock star style.
I was on a trip to Italy when my plane was delayed in Paris. The airline put me up in a hotel for the night, so I figured I’d forge around and make the most of my night. Everywhere I went, the people were unbelievably helpful and nice—except for my hotel. They refused to serve me dinner 20 minutes before the kitchen closed. They forgot to call me a cab. When I asked if they knew a place where I could change money, they said, “in town.” When I asked how to get there they said, “Take a train.”
It got to the point where I was lying awake thinking of how I could further trash the room. I think people need to move beyond the simple “destroy the walls and furniture” levels and get far more creative and vindictive. Think about it: I’m sure they’ve got tons of spare desks and TVs lying around. It’s almost no effort to swap them out. What you really need to shoot for is stuff that puts a serious time, effort, and profit hindrance on the joint.
Like voiding your bowels in the closet, or slaughtering a pig on the carpet, or stuffing frozen seafood into the mattress. If you’re going to smash something, fuck the desk. Go for the two things that are going to be a complete pain in the ass to replace: the sink and the toilet. There are few “Fuck You”s to the management greater than taking a sledgehammer to their porcelain.
Next, you have to move on to the furniture. And try to be creative, people. That’s why I recommend going down to the nearest hardware store and purchasing a case of crazy glue. I suggest smearing the entire table top with crazy glue and sticking it to the ceiling.
If you want to really be a pain in the balls and have the evening free, you could pick up some supplies and hammer about 100 headless studs three-quarters of the way into the walls. Next, take your six bags of instant cement and fill the bath tub. Make sure you spill an entire can of paint on the carpet—not just one spot, because the object is to make removal of the entire thing necessary. And, because no thorough trashing is complete without swarms of things, clean the pet store out of mice, snakes and bugs. Release them into the room before you leave and let nature take its course.
This is why I need to be a rock star. It’s obvious that today’s musicians are far too busy maintaining angelic images. I want to bring serious danger back to the world of rock. I want to be the dude who gets drunk and has to be hauled out of the Grammies for throwing a whiskey bottle at a teen icon and knocking out his front teeth. I want to be that guy who does doughnuts on the lawn of writers who give my album bad reviews, goes to famous restaurants in boxers and a wife beater, and walks down red carpets with a box-cutter slicing through the ties on the “dresses” starlets are wearing.
Think about it: these days we never hear interviews with celebrities who actually speak their minds. It seems as if every single star we have is simply trying to be as bland as possible. Maybe that’s why we haven’t had a decent album or movie in the last decade. As these people act blander and blander, their art follows suit. And it’s time to take the suits away from Rock. Do your part: trash a hotel room today, and show Axl Rose how it’s done.
2 comments:
I pee all over the that bathroom what more do you want from me.
Rock stars aside, I heard about a guy that covered a hotel room in about a quarter inch of vasaline, how's that for creative vandalism.its even alliterative.
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