“OK, we want the “Messiah” model in Republican, the deluxe “package” and the DiMaggio upgrade. Oh yeah, and do you have that in white?”
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, people. I can’t even find someone who can install a toilet properly. Playing God might be a little over our heads. These were the same people who promised I’d be living on a Moon colony and driving a flying car by now.
Still, it creeps me out that this is something that people want to shoot for. I mean, it pretty much guarantees the end of our country and culture in the space of no more than two generations. Americans can’t figure out how to buy anything effectively. Imagine shopping for a son like an SUV. Everyone would be having cool looking but thoroughly impractical kids. They’d say “I want John Kennedy” and then be shocked when they found him banging the step-mom.
I can just picture myself walking into a doctor’s office one day and saying, “Listen, Doc. I have a few ‘touch-ups’ I want done to my kid.”
“What do you want?”
“OK, give me those red cat's eyes, wings and fire breathe.”
“I don’t know if I can, in good conscience, do that. Besides, If your child breathes fire wouldn’t you be concerned for the safety of your wife?”
“So we’ll bottle-feed that one.”
I’ve never seriously thought about naming my kid “Ehren Jr.,” but if the kid could fly and breathe fire, I may have to reconsider. Think about it. It'd be the greatest investment in history. Everyone else would be having goody-two shoes pansies. There'd be no one to stand up to little E Ju. By the time my bad-ass kid hit puberty he'd be running the country.
I can just picture company coming over while my 3 year-old, clad in a diaper, darts through the room on bat wings, sending bursts of flame after a terrorized house cat.
“Ummm...Is that…normal?” they’d ask after a beat silence, looking visibly shaken.
“Oh that’s just Ehren Junior.” I’d say. “A regular chip off the old block, that one is.” Then I’d wink. And watch as the discomfort in the room escalated.
I guess I just know how to put people at ease. But come on. What else do you expect when you give me the permission to play God?
2 comments:
I can't say i disagree. These people have some serious delusions as to what defies moral law in the scope of intrinsic humanity. I'd be interested in seeing how it plays out however, given all the circumstances under which we currently live in; what would be our new target be once we all become the same bland, perfect people? Who, or what will we hate then? Will people CHOOSE to have their children come into the world with "minority" status, or say a special disability? Or will they take advantage of the technology and spice it up a bit. A kid with bat wings would be pretty fuckin' sweet! A bat laced, firebreathing little SOB to wreck havoc on these fucks would be the greatest way to get back at society. Touché salesman...Touché.
I SO agree with this Ehren! People would make the WORST choices...I mean some adults who have children now shouldn't have kids.
But, I digress. I wanted to say that, once again, you have given us a unique perspective on a "controversial" issue. Keep up the good work.
Oh, and can I borrow your child for a week or two to "cure" some people I know?
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