REAL Must See TV

I really hate reality television. Not because the plastic characters and the unrealistic situations they’re placed in are so obviously distant from reality. Not even because watching human misery is the lowest form of entertainment. I hate it for a different reason. Much in the way a circumcisionist looks at a patient and wonders “what might have been,” I look at reality TV and say “if only…”

I think that reality TV is hated by many people because they feel it goes too far—I feel like it hasn’t gone far enough. Put me in charge of a TV station, and I guarantee shows that will absolutely dominate the ratings. And I’ve got a ton of them. Here are the best ones:

• 10 couples from Guatemala compete for the chance to get a green card. The competition includes drug smuggling, house-cleaning, and applying for work behind the Home Depot. The twist? The losers are immediately shipped off to military interment camps on the season finale.
  
• 10 ambitious college grads compete in a cut-throat contest to win a job as a corporate Yes Man. They’ll compete at such basic skills as weaseling out of responsibility, placing the blame on others, and being two-faced sacks of shit without a personality or opinion of their own. I can instantly nominate 5 people from my past experience that’d be perfect at this.
  
• 5 men start their own phony religion unbeknownst to the public. With the backing of some money, exposure and TV stars, they see who can convince the most people and whacked out celebrities to join. Hey, as far as I’m concerned this is exactly what’s going on with scientology.
  
• An Amputee, a Non-English speaking immigrant, two side-show freaks and a house-plant compete to be the next Governor of California.
  
• 20 beautiful women compete for the attention of one man. He’s smart, handsome, rich, and not a convicted rapist—or so they THINK. Welcome to Joe Not-A-Rapist.
  
• My next idea essentially plays out the same as the last one—only it involves 37 different forms of STDs.

I know. The real shock is that I haven’t already slick-talked my way into running FOX. I suspect that the only reason I haven’t is my inability to fit my entire tongue, nose, and head up George Bush’s ass. Isn’t that a lovely image? In fact, it’s enough to give me the idea for my last show: Who Wants to Be a Republican Shill? The winners would have to believe that every issue has only two sides, spin every world event as being anti-American, and in the last episode, be shot in the face by Dick Cheney.