World Cee-U-Pee

So the World Cup is on us again. This is an event whose purpose seems to be to bring as many angry Europeans together in enclosed spaces and rile them up as much as possible. It’s like they took two tribes of those South American war ants they’re always showing on the Discovery Channel, placed them in a glass ant farm and shook the thing like mad.

I’m a pretty big baseball fan…but I’ve never actually felt the urge to come to blows with fans of a rival team. From what I gather about Soccer, the premise is that if you attend a game without taking the life of at least 4 other individuals you’re a poseur.

Really the only thing I have to compare that level of fanaticism to, are Bills fans up near Buffalo. Every single day, regardless of season, the Buffalo Bills are the front page of the sports section in Buffalo. Mark McGuire broke Roger Marris’ single season homerun record? Who cares? Our third-string running back has a new work-out regiment. Anything less than four articles about how this affects the team would be criminal. Michael Jordan’s come out of retirement? Sure, I guess that’s interesting, but where would we put our 12 page spread on the trainer’s switch from Advil to Tylenol? I mean for a team who did nothing but finish second place (which is just a fancy way of saying “loser”) the level of coverage is completely absurd.

I’ve actually been to a soccer game before. Apparently it’s all the rage over in Rochester, NY. (And if it’s popular in Rochester, all I can say is “Watch out Utica!”) I watched the game for a while and finally asked, “How many teams are out there?”

“Only two. The refs wear different color uniforms.”

“Why are there three guys named ‘Renaldo’? Don’t these people have first or last names? Are they like ‘Cher’ or ‘Sting’?”

“I don’t know…that’s just the way it’s done.”

“Hey, did that guy just give Renaldo 3 a green speeding ticket?”

“They’re called ‘cards’ in soccer.”

“The irony of this situation is that’s the only green card Renaldo will ever get.”

There was a lot more, but essentially this is what I learned about the game:

1. It’s some primitive form of “Land Hockey.”
2. Except no one carries sticks.
3. The only time you’re allowed to use your hands is flail femininely at your opponent when you think the ref’s not watching.
4. Unless you’re a goalie. If you’re a goalie, you have to prove that you’re cooler than the rest of the players by wearing a different color uniform.
5. The game is basically 4 hours of men in gay short shorts running through a field interspersed with scoring celebrations.
6. Said celebrations entail more running through the field and engaging sweaty, lingering man-hugs.

I guess I just don’t get Soccer. Not that Soccer fans should be all that upset. It's only one of a long list of sports and "pseudo-sports" whose purpose eludes me. Rather than single them all out, I'll just say this: If the only thing preventing females from stepping into the ring and wiping the floors with you so called "professionals" is bigotry and the fear of being exposed as the nansies that you are, give up the dream, man. Seriously, stop calling it a "sport" and admit that you're just a bunch of homoerotic hacks whose "talent" is roughly as impressive as learning all the languages from “Star-Trek.” You’re not an athlete: you’re just a loser with a moderately entertaining party trick.

FYI, I still call tennis “Land Pong.”