I’ve always been a mellow drunk. I like to sip on my drink and chat with people. What I don’t like doing after 18 jack and cokes is moving or screaming. However, I have been out-voted and will be drinking in a club this weekend.
I have zero understanding of the club scene. It’s something that’s just out of my comprehension. Like trying to imagine Mr. Rogers fucking a donkey. There is no way to wrap my mind around it.
The main problem is that I don’t dance. I know that a lot of guys say this, but in all fairness I have a great excuse: I’m white. If I were any paler I wouldn’t cast a reflection in a mirror. And I’m ok with that. It’s not bad being a Jew: I tell jokes, eat good food and cheat White People out of their money. But I don’t dance. Trust me the world is a much better place.
But it’s not just the dancing that I dislike about these hangouts. It’s also the music. OK, maybe I really am out of touch, but answer me these two questions:
- Does anyone (aside from sorority girls on their 28th wine cooler) actually like the music they play in clubs?
- How does anyone deal with the volume of the music?
Seriously, the music in every club I’ve ever walked by is enough to make me want to smash my CD player and give up on music all together. No matter how many times you play the noise “inst inst inst,” and how loud you blast it, it’s never going to be a song, ok?
When I go out, I want to be able to chill out, have a conversation, and sit down. I don’t want to wave a glow stick, suck a pacifier, blow bubbles, or try to flag down a bartender through a strobe light, ok? Is that too much to ask?
Maybe I’m underestimating the attractiveness of the general population, or the ease of picking up girls on Xtasy. But most of the guys I know require a bit of conversation to seal the deal. I’ve given up trying to attract women through my appearance. I know that to have a chance, I have to be charming or at least entertaining. Fine. But I’d have a better chance of meeting a woman by wearing an eye patch, knocking out my teeth, and wearing a wife-beater that reads “I rape puppies.” And I really don’t understand how other men are any different.
Fortunately, there’s always one person to whom I don’t need to speak a word to have a fun night out: Mr. Jack Daniels. If he can’t get me through an evening blaring dance beats and men wearing body-glitter, no one can.
1 comment:
This has absolutely nothing to do with anything you said in any of your blogs, but I thought you would get a kick out of this.
This was forwarded to me by someone at work.
Subject: FW: Hell Explained
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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