“Dude!!!”
Fuck I’ve been busted.
I looked around. My friend was looking right at me. “What?” I asked.
“That’s like the eighth pixie stick you’ve done today.”
“So?” I replied rather too quickly and defensively. “I don’t have a problem! I can quit anytime I want! Get off my back!!!”
Actually, it wasn’t my eighth pixie-stick. It was my tenth. I think it was somewhere around number 4 that I noticed I was having trouble controlling my leg from vibrating. Around number six, I began to wonder why the hell everyone was talking so slowly. Also, my face was numb and I was filled with the over-powering urge to hang out in bathrooms, listen to Genesis and discuss Reganomics.
OK, seriously I might have a problem. I know because the day before Halloween, I went through the office and stole every solitary pixie-stick out of the little bags of candy the company had distributed to the staff. I must have started with about 50 of the things. I’m now down to about 20. I’m guessing that my office will find out when I run out, because I’ll be huddled in the corner of my cubical, covered in sweat, and shaking uncontrollably. “Come on, man!” I’ll yell. “Don’t hold out on me!”
I suppose it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m sucking dick to feed my raging addicting. Seriously, have you ever free-based pixie-stix? You have no idea what you’re missing. What the fuck are the rest of you assholes doing in the morning? Starbucks? Hahahaha! Let me tell you, nothing takes the edge off like a line of blue powder.
…
Ok, I’m back. Sorry, I had a random nose-bleed. I’m sure it’s completely unconnected to the shit I was talking about before. Also on an unrelated topic, I’ll be visiting the Pixie-Stix manufacturing plant soon. I’m looking for someone who’d be comfortable smuggling up to a kilo of unidentified powder over state lines in their colon. Prior experience as a coke-mule is a plus.
That’s it, I have to go. I gotta go score a fix.
11 comments:
What the hell is a Pixi stick?? Huh?
What the fuck is wrong with Canada? How can you guys NOT have heard of Pixie Stix?
Seriously, you assholes have "Fruit by the Foot" and you're all on the metric system.
grumble...here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pixie_Stix
Ok, so I've been reading your blog since you started commenting in Tinseltownterrorist.blogspot.com and I enjoy your stories which I think are well written an quite comical. I may blog (which you can't read), but I can't type as fast as I think and then I start typing so fast I make a lot of mistakes and am too lazy to correct them so I respect you for that.
And I know you might not accept this comment and post it on your blog for everyone else to read, but I have to say it.
Do NOT dip so low into talking about pixie stix! I read your blog and I'm oddly attracted to you though you're obviously a man-slut and kind of disrepectful to women and I believe you may have a small penis, but I think your humor saves you.
Until now.
This is kind of a new low of loser. You may have equated sugar to cocaine, but really?
I like you. Please do not go here again.
I love that THIS is the post that lowers my sex-appeal. Not the one where I accuse one of my dates of being a prostitute, not the one where I have sex 10 feet from a vacationing family, not the one where I post a personal ad entitled "Hopeless Romantic Seeks Filthy Whore."
Audrey, you have great taste in men. Hahahahahahahaha!!!
Audrey, believe what you want, but this man does not have a small penis!
Look, I agree the Pixie Stix post was not my best work, but shit, I post just about every day. They can't all be gold. I promise I will try harder.
Also, for the record, I post every comment good or bad left on my blog. I keep the notification thing on because I get comment spammed pretty frequently.
Also for the record: I would consider having crazy sex with Audrey. You know, a lot of guys would be insulted if their girl asked, "Is it in yet?" I'm not. I just tell the truth: "No, bitch, I'm already done!"
You have to understand that your life stories remind me of the stories that all my friends tell. And I want to sleep or have slept with all of my friends. This does not mean I have bad taste in men. It means that [stright] men are tasteless.
Glad to hear you're hung. Your recent post with the condom selection in the dream makes me feel like you really want it known. Plus that girl's comment.
I just like giving you a hard time.
I wasn't insulted. And Audrey, that line about the Trojan Magnums was just for you. Glad you enjoyed it. ;)
Audrey's been unavailable because of all the hot sex I've been having with her. :P
Now let me get this straight: you want me to find a girl who's had an abortion and, sometime in the next month, insult her about it?
Or a lynching..either way sounds good to me.
Yeah, I think there's a 12 step for that one! I was posting when you commented, not all my stuff is Debbie Downer, promise! And thanks for the insight. It's kind of strange to post a blog about my life and get a stranger's perspective. But if I could just just get my head out of my ass long enough to see it from outside the box myself, I think I might accomplish something. I finally decided today that maybe the Cori-dating-door needs to be temporarily closed for reconstructive efforts. A, B, and C -ya later! If you catch my drift. ( who says that anymore? Catch My Drift?)
~C.
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