Ehren Makes Light Of The Holocaust

With the Holidays fast approaching, I realized that it was high time to make my list, check it twice and find out who was naughty and who was nice. Just like that other guy…what was his name? Oh yeah, Hitler.

Actually, I wonder what kinds of gifts Nazis gave each other at Christmas.

“Frau Smith, you remember that wonderful painting that Ms. Rubenbergstein used to own? Well I slaughtered her children in front of her then made a lampshade from their skin. Merry Christmas!”

Heartwarming.

I’m sorry, that joke was probably in poor taste. Is it too soon for Holocaust jokes? I mean, it’s been like 60 years. Jesus Christ…killers.

Ok, that joke was officially wrong. Especially given that today marks the end of the “Holocaust Deniers Conference.” Ordinarily, I’d question exactly how unbiased this gathering of the minds (and I use the word “minds” loosely here) is. But then I saw that it was held in Iran. And if there’s one country that springs to mind when I think of progressive, impartial, enlightened thinking, it’s Iran. I wonder if Mel Gibson attended.

I have a female friend who converted to Judaism. I know. I was shocked, too. Apparently, she felt that Christians just didn’t have enough guilt in their religion. Personally, I think she was just trying to mooch off my people’s coolness. At any rate, she happens to hail from a tiny town in West Virginia, which led to all sorts of hilarity involving her family and the locals. And by “hilarity” I mean “anti-Semitism.”

Among the more amusing (or disturbing) comments she’s been subjected to was this exchange at work.

Guy From Work: So, now you’re, like, a real Jew?
Newly Jewish Yenta: Uh-huh.
Guy: Wow…So, did you have to get circumcised?

I told her that she would officially become the most religious person I’d ever met if she did.

Weirdly, it always made sense to me that men who wanted to convert had to carve a section of their cock off, while women were spared the genital (or gentile) mutilation. Why? Because most Jewish women resemble each other, meaning unless you wanted to marry a woman eerily like your mother, you needed to make it easy for ladies to join the club.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know this girl when she converted or I would have at least known what to get her for the Holidays. See, the extreme Orthodox Jews only have sex with each other through a sheet with a hole cut in it. It was a slam-dunk that she didn’t have one yet.

On a side note, I don’t condone sex through linens. I mean, this one time I fucked an orthodox Jew with a bedwetting problem and she had rubber sheets. It was fun when she started thrashing around, but towards the end she really got lazy and just laid there. It was like having sex with someone who’d died of asphyxiation or something. When her bowels released, I knew it was time to get the Hell out of there. Crazy broad.

Yeah, since then I don’t sleep with other Jews. Besides, as a religious minority, it’s fun to fuck-over Christians for a change.