My Will Be Done

A friend of mine was opining about his will, seeing as he was the recently beneficiary of a dying relative. His uncle passed on and left him and nine other relatives $3,000 each. The rest of his uncle’s kin received the following note:

“If you received this letter along with a check, it is because I see promise, talent, and good-will in you. Know that I’ve always thought fondly of you, wish the best for you and have no doubt you will leave your stamp upon the world.

If you didn’t get a check it’s because you bastards were, frankly, not worth my time. See you in Hell. I’ll be waiting.”

I’d never really put a lot of thought into my last will. But if I have to admit, that’s a pretty bad-ass way to be remembered by your family. It’s fortunate that he didn’t live in ancient Egypt, or that dude would be one poor son of a bitch in the afterlife. After that, he’d be lucky to be buried with anything but crabs and 8 pounds of rat feces.

I’m sometimes asked what I plan on doing with my wealth when I die. I realize that realistically, I’ve got zero chance of dying in anything but complete and abject poverty. I fully expect to be found frozen to death under a bridge in Newark sometime in…oh I don’t know, the next 10-15 months. However, in the unlikely event I die fabulously wealthy I’d like to distribute my worldly belongings in one of the following ways:

1. All of my assets are to be sold off and donated to Big Tobacco. Fuck trying to suck up to God, my family and the world in the attempts at appearing to be a good man. I don’t do ass kissing. I want to be remembered for giving people cancer.
2. All my existing relatives will engage in tournament-style steel cage matches to determine my sole heir. WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME!!!
3. Provided she was not directly responsible for my death, my money will be given to my gold-digging, supermodel wife—on the condition that I be stuffed and kept in her bed as a constant reminder of her marital vows. As a stipulation, she will be required to continue to make love to my corpse at least twice a day for no less than 20 minutes each time. Should she be responsible for my demise, she is to be buried alive with me.
4. All my money will be exchanged to gold, and melted down to create a massive statue of me clad in a kilt, brandishing a sword in one hand, a baby in the other, as my foot grinds an opponent’s head into the dust. The statue will then be launched into space to orbit the earth at the expense of my remaining relatives.

Honestly, I’m sort of leaning towards the last option. Mostly, just imagining my family’s face when they get a letter in the mail that says:

“Your great-great-grand uncle Ehren the Terrible has died. May his spirit devour his many, many foes in the afterlife. As one of his fondest relatives, he has included you in his will, and left you the generous sum of:

-$856,099.35

Payment is due by the end of the month and he asks that you be prompt in submitting your bill. We accept cash, checks, and all major credit cards. Failure to do so will lead to vengence from beyond the grave.”

You know, I’m glad I put some thought into this. Nothing’s more important than preserving your legacy.