Ehren Writes A Romance Column

Ah, the internet: supplier of porn, haven of child-molesters, and purveyor of useless information. Clearly, the fact that I work for an internet company has done little to improve my opinion of the online world.

Among the more worthless features provided by my company is a “Romantic Tip of the Day” section. Said tip isn’t actually written by anyone in company. In fact, no one seems to know WHO wrote this mind-numbing schlock, because it’s set on a constant, year-long loop that first appeared 6 years ago. That’s right. It’s only a “daily tip” if you’re permanently living in the year 1974.

Some of you might wonder why I said 1974 instead of 2001. All my entries were actually penned in the ‘70s and have been repeated ever since. Hey, like Travolta, I know my career will never die.

Anyway, a sample of this daily load of shit is:

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 2 years now and sometimes it is hard to find a new fun ways to surprise each other. So, I decided that instead of waiting for the next holiday to spoil him, I would create my own holiday--in his honor. I called it Appreciation Day. The entire day was filled with fun surprises to let him know that I truly appreciate his love and friendship! Needless to say, by the end of the day, I think I eventually got my point across!

I hope God strikes their genitals with warts the size of basketball.

At any rate, there was recently a panic because the feature wasn’t updating. And some of my co-workers joked that I should take up the mantle of supplying romance to fat people in Ohio. Hey, that’s what they make duct-tape and blindfolds for. Here’s a taste of what an “Ehren’s Romance Tip” column would look like:

• Take a day to finally fulfill her rape-fantasy! Or better yet, hire a friend, co-worker, or felon and make it a day she’ll never forget!
• Nothing says “I love you” like a swarm of locusts. In his car.
• Above all, women value commitment from the men in their lives. Make a statement by getting closer to her family. Have sex with her sister. Her 6th grade classmates will think she’s “sophisticated.”
• Some men find prostate-stimulation arousing. Surprise your lover tonight with chloroform and a 12 inch black rubber dildo!
• Spice things up in the bedroom tonight with a little adventure and competition: last one to orgasm has to fuck that crazy, knife-wielding hobo that lives under the over-pass.

I really missed my true calling in life. Of course, maybe it’s for the best. People who get romantic tips online should never breed anyway.