William Zabka: Office Manager

I meant to write another post on my last day. I really did. But then at 2:00, my boss insisted that I leave and start drinking. Technically, I was still his employee for another three hours, so I had no choice but to obey.

It took me a while to decide how I should quit, mostly because I’m still harboring quite a bit of rage. I’m sure that’s shocking to my readers. It’s not like I’d written every day for two solid years about shit I hate…oh wait…

The guy who was responsible for me leaving has the same name as a comedian who had a very shitty sit-com. I guess something about that name just inspires mediocrity and douchebaggery. So, for the purposes of this blog, (and to avoid the “slander” charges the retarded HR rep threatened me with) I’ll be referring to him as “Sinbad” going forward.

Now, I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t contemplate getting even with Sinbad. Among the possibilities I considered for payback were:

1. Cracking a bunch of windshields on random cars in the area and placing his business card under the wiper.
2. Lacquering porn to every available surface in his office.
3. Distributing T-Shirts to the office that read, “I hate Sinbad.”
4. Hiring a private investigator to take revealing pictures of him and then sending them to the entire company.
5. Slipping acid into his coffee before one his “all hands” presentations.

However, I finally decided that the revenge that made the most sense would be to skewer him right here. After all, I know he reads it. This blog got me into trouble so it’s only fitting that it should be my weapon for returning fire. Now, no matter how hard I slam him here it won’t be equal to the damage he did me. I realize that no matter what I write here, it won’t hurt his employment status like he did to me. But hey, I’m not a gutless, coward suck-up and I don’t believe in fucking with someone’s livelihood. So here goes:

Sinbad is a tall guy, with blond hair and a shit-eating grin vaguely reminiscent of the villain from the Karate Kid (Oh, William Zabka. How were there ever villains in 80’s films before you?). He’s oozed his way up like a fresh genital wart on the cock of a 75 year-old transvestite. And with roughly the same aesthetic effect.

Sinbad’s greatest ability is to commandeer credit for the work and ideas of others, followed closely by his talent for laying the blame for his many shortcomings at the feet of anyone who works under him. In my years experience working with him, I’d say that he’s driven almost completely by his insecurities. If I had to compare him to any historical figure, it would have to be “Insane-living-in-a-bunker-era” Hitler, minus the charisma and with less empathy for the suffering of others.

There are a few of instances I feel really outline what kind of leader and man he is:

• He was managing a large project that called for some complex interactions between a number of departments. Because he is completely ineffectual in describing what he wants done, discerning what works and what doesn’t, and perhaps the worst motivator I’ve ever known, the project soon hit the skids. When people higher up the chain asked why the job hadn’t been completed, the heads of department under Sinbad scheduled a meeting to explain the problems. According to office scuttlebutt, Sinbad found out, canceled the meeting, screamed and pouted to his boss that everyone else was gossiping about him, and threatened the department heads if they actually held the get-together.
  
• He once sent me an email forbidding me from discussing his projects with the legal department.
  
• I come from a background where the only thing that matters is your ability to do the job. The work is the most important thing. So if I come up with an idea and you can logically persuade me that I’m wrong, I’ll agree with you…even if you’re a complete douchbag. Sitting down at a table with Sinbad was the first time in my professional life where I could logically prove that an idea was poorly conceived and receive the response, “Well this is what I want, so we’re doing it anyway.”
  
• I’ve actually heard him say, “If you don’t do what I say, I’ll tell [company president name here] on you.”

But enough about his complete failure as a manager. There are plenty people in the world who are simply not cut out for leading who have none-the-less weaseled their way into positions they are disastrously unqualified for. What really sets Sinbad apart is his complete failure as a human being.

I didn’t have much of a personal relationship with Sinbad. But what always set my teeth on edge was the depth of his hypocracy. As you can guess, Sinbad has what some would call an irregular personal life. Yet he had absolutely no problem blackballing me over my blog, something that has no bearing on my professional life.

Recently, someone close to him died and he decided to use the opportunity to give a speech to the company. He spoke about a number of things, mostly about how his dearly departed friend “loved everyone and trusted us to save the world.” Honestly, I had difficulty following the speech because Sinbad loves the sound of his own voice more than Andy Dick loves cock. But the gist of the speech was definitely about how everyone in the office should love each other more. Lovely from a man who goes out of his way to fuck over the people he works with.

If you’re reading this, Sinbad, I’d like to say that irony of this whole thing is that I suppose you were right for trying to fuck me over. Because if I had to work with you any more closely, I probably would have eventually snapped and tried to kill you with a hammer. But I guess it all worked out in the end. After all, I’m happy and content knowing that I'm no longer near you in any capacity. Which is why we shouldn’t feel badly for your poor, departed friend.