Decision 2008: Fanatics, Old People, Women, and Blacks: Who Does America Hate Less?

I do my best to remain as politically uninvolved as possible. Because as far as I’m concerned, politicians have won: I don’t care. I can’t afford to.

See, there are a few things in life that make me even crazier than my alcoholic, incoherent, foaming-at-the-mouth norm: popped collars. Club music. Paris Hilton. But as far as I’m concerned, politics is well on its way to becoming more retarded than any other item on the above list.

I’ll let you in on an observation of mine: the point of this process is to punish you for knowing anything. This is a bipartisan effort on behalf of the people who run things. For example, let’s take any one of the debates:

Moderator: What would you do to turn around the economic collapse?
Candidate 1: Not be a douchebag like my opponent, who looks like a terrorist and is responsible for fucking up in the first place.
Candidate 2: I would continue not being a whore of big oil, unlike my aging, decrepit opponent who wants to deregulate loan-sharking.

Then for the next two weeks, the news networks have partisan speakers who both claim that their candidate won and made the other guy look like the cock-tampon he really is.

It's times like this that Futurama's Phillip Fry makes the most sense: "If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on Election Day and dressing up like a clown."

Why get involved in that process? Seriously. My blood-pressure and I were better off sitting this one out until Election Day, reading a print-out of the candidates policies, and then showing up in the local high school gym to vote. Nice and easy. No need for a complete mental breakdown involving a high-powered rifle and a book depository. Speaking of which, if Obama wins, let’s just say I don’t think he’ll be parading around Dallis in a convertible anytime soon.

Like everyone else wasn’t thinking that, too.

Unfortunately, my plan has gone to shit because of Sarah Palin. Sound-bites that fucking dumb simply cannot be ignored, no matter how hard I try. So here are some observations that have come to me after my reluctant reawakening to politics as usual:

1. Conservatives keep referring to Sarah Palin as attractive as if saying it will make it true. She’s not. She’s just hot for an insane, hate-mongering, barely-self-cognizant cultist. Exactly like Ann Coulter.
   
2. At first, I thought she and McCain were insane for constantly referring to themselves as “Mavericks.” They’re part of the Republican system that went completely mad with power following 9/11. They are “mavericks” in the same sense that Charles Manson is a “beltway insider.” Then I looked up the definition of the word: “Maverick, noun: an unbranded calf, cow, or steer, esp. an unbranded calf that is separated from its mother.” And I realized, yes. Palin is a fat cow.
   
3. Palin = Dan Quayle + tits.
   
4. Every two days, Republicans come out with a new buzz-word, and fly-over states go completely crazy with adoration:
1. Main Street
2. Gotcha Journalism
3. Liberal Elitism
4. Hockey Mom
5. Joe Six-Pack
   
5. I resent being referred to as “Joe Six-Pack.” I’m really more of a “Johnny Vodka” or “Crandall Schlitz” myself.
   
6. No one else mentioned it, but during the debate, Palin said that she “was opposed to another holocaust.” Way to take a stand. Anything else you want to come out against? Maybe child molestation? How about the prostitution of the mentally handicapped? Seriously, though, I’m relieved. When someone thinks that dinosaurs and carbon dating are part of “God’s Tricks” to test our faith, you can’t take opposition to killing off Jews for granted.
   
7. Joe Biden is kind of scary. Why does he always refer to himself in the third person? Unless…he’s not the REAL Joe Biden.
   
8. No matter who is elected, we’re completely fucked. The difference is that Obama might be able to buy us another 10-15 years. McCain, probably gets us 5. And, God forbid, Palin immediately signals the apocalypse. On a completely unrelated topic, how difficult is it to become a legal citizen of Canada?
   
9. Some people have been asking whether America is ready for a black President. I think we are. Except Idaho. I know. You were probably expecting a joke about the south here, but according to CNN, the state that supports Obama least is Idaho. What the fuck, Idaho? Apparently, McCain’s message resonates most strongly with inbred potato farmers, explaining why he’s currently behind in the polls.
   
10. McCain looks like a muppet. Nothing north of his overbite moves, other than his eyes, which blink way too frequently. It’s as if he’s consciously over-blinking in an attempt to convince voters that he’s alive.

Now, in truth, I’m not really happy with either party. I think they’re both fuck-ups pandering to special interests. Republicans are hate-mongering oil-whores, and Democrats are spineless spendthrifts. But in the end, I have to go with the party currently owned by slightly less scary lobbyists and corporations, and a few percentage points less likely to completely destroy the country, world and life as we know it.

And after all, isn’t that what politics in America is all about?