Big (Jew) Pimping

Last night I went on my first Jdate Date. As I’ve previously expressed, the desperation factor is much higher among the females on the site, mostly due to Jewish guys being possibly the least sexy demographic of singles. If fuckability were measured on a sliding scale, we’d rank somewhere in the negative thousands of Luther Vandrocity. Seriously, I think we trail only hobos with leprosy and winos covered with burn scars in desirability.

Now, as I’ve said before, I’m by no means a catch in the normal world. For Jewish singles, though, I’m a pimp. Which is why I made my date buy me dinner.

You read that right. I made a member of the cheapest race on earth drive 30 minutes to meet and then pony up dough to feed me. Not only that, she actually made plans to see me again. Apparently, I’m yentafabulous. God, I need to put that on a T-shirt.

Sometime on the way over to meet the young lady I’d be torturing for the evening, I had a revelation: why the hell should I pretend to be normal? Not only am I incredibly bad at it, but it’s nearly impossible for me to maintain. And more than that, I decided that too many times in my life have I gone on dates and done nothing but tried to be approved by her. This time, I vowed, she would have to be approved by me.

So when she showed up, I jumped in, guns blazing. I told her the story about screaming out to co-workers that I was on PCP. Then I recounted my idea for a TV series based on a homophobic night-rider. When she told me that she was in a sorority in college, I asked, “So you give lots of blowjobs?” Then I proceeded to harass her about for the rest of the night. When she touched my hand, I told her “I’m not going to put out on the first date. You’re going to have to romance me.”

It was either genius or madness.

I was thinking about how many bad dates I’d had over the course of my life. I think I’ve recounted most of them here on this blog. Like the time I pimp-slapped a woman. Or the girl who told me about her abortion-party on the first date. And I realized that by trying to be a normal and respected member of society, I was actually just covering up what I think are my best qualities: the ability to be an insensitive asshole to strangers, and a complete disregard for social morays. I should be embracing my twisted world view and bringing strange women inside it. And possibly giving them crabs. Then laughing at them.

This girl and I are supposed to meet up again this weekend. Whether or not she actually shows up is another story. But regardless, last night was an epiphany for me. And, I have no doubt, a supreme curse, blight and tragic misfortune for single women everywhere.