261 Down, 999,739 To Go

There were a bunch of phrases that I thought I’d never have to use over the course of my life. Little sentences that somehow describe how sad a person’s existence has become. Come on, you all know the types of phrases that I mean. Things like:

• Jerry Falwell makes a good point.
• I traded in the mustang for my minivan.
• Isn’t this the coolest pair of biking pants ever?
• Nothing beats a Speedo for pure comfort.
• My wife said I’m not allowed.

Expounding on that list, there are a number of phrases that have never been uttered before:

• Ralph Macchio is such a pimp.
• You got me Yanni Tickets??? This is the best birthday ever!
• Female circumcision is hot.

Sometimes you don’t even realize that a phrase is on your list as a summery for how sucky your life has become. Such was the case with me over the weekend when I said, “I’m totally writing about this in my blog.” I instantly wished I had saved my breath and simply unloaded a shotgun into my skull.

What the fuck have I become? Two years ago I thought blogs were a narcissistic, masturbatory practice with no use other than providing a forum to teenagers, trekies, and desperate singles with nothing better to do weeknights. Honestly, I’m not sure how much my opinion has changed.

Look, good writing is good writing, whether it’s published in a book, on the internet, or the men’s room wall at the Denny’s Truck stop on I-95. But I think it’s the complete lack of any minimum standards that have ruined the world of internet writing. Way too many people write mind-numbing, self-absorbed crap. It seems as if 70% of the blogs out there are either:

"Yeah, so Diane and me went to The Otter for that thing and ran into Frank. Wooooo! Yeah Frank! Remember “Red Cow”? Yeah! Party with you and Captain L tomorrow."

Or:

"Ken just meant so much to me and now he’s gone. He doesn’t even care about all the candles and pictures and animals I killed for him. Can’t he see that we’re DESTINY. I want to die."

I guess my question for the day is, “Are there any circumstances under which I don’t have to be socially ashamed for maintaining a blog?” I know my stuff is a bit different from the majority off blogger material, but still…How distant am I really from the ugly 14 year-old with a broken heart?

After a moment or so reflection, I think there IS one time when saying, “Yeah, I maintain a blog” isn’t the height of loserocity: when you can follow it with, “that has a million hits a week.” Oh well. 261 down, 999,739 to go.