In a lot of ways it was an inspiring piece of Americana: City officials rolled up the street in old-fashioned cars and kids stood and saluted soldiers.
In still other ways, it was profoundly depressing. For example, I saw crowd of at least 75 men, women, and children stomp, dance and cheer to banjo music—and that number doesn’t count the parade’s participants. If you’re ever curious about where exactly the south begins, this is as good a test as any: pull out a banjo. If you’re met with anything other than groans and death threats, youse in Dixie, boy.
Sitting there in the sun, watching a huge crowd of white people genuinely enjoying ass-rape music made me profoundly embarrassed. The only way I can describe it is to imagine how Germans must feel each time they show picture of Hitler on TV. You just want to shrink into a hole and apologize on behalf of your entire ethnic group.
The crowning moment of the whole affair was yet to come, however. Just when I thought that I wasn’t being alienated enough by the event, a man came up to me and handed me a pamphlet. To truly understand the sheer craziness of this, I have to set the scene for you.
It was about 11:30 in the morning, and I was sitting curbside with the continuous mass of humanity that stretched as far as the eye could see. The local Democratic Party was stomping by on the street waving banners and yelling re-election chants. About half the crowd was cheering while the other half was ominously silent. I’d decided that there was no point in screaming myself horse for any of the parade. I’d just watch and wave a flag should any of the participants make eye-contact with me.
So I was kind of half-assedly waving my miniature replica of Old Glory when a man marching in the parade drifted over to the side and handed me (and ONLY me) a pamphlet. It’s an automatic reaction with humans: you hand someone something and nine times out of ten, they’ll take it without thinking.
So the guy looked right into my eyes and handed me a folded piece of paper and I took it—because the alternative was creating a scene. When he had drifted away, my friends pressed around me and what I had gotten. The man hadn’t even attempted to give them anything.
The cover of the paper read, “It’s a honey of a deal!” and depicted a bear eating honey out of a tree. Still mystified, I opened it up and read:
What’s a honey of a deal? The fact that Jesus Christ died for your sins, the Just for the unjust. JESUS DIED FOR YOU!”
The pamphlet goes on to ask such tough questions as, “Heaven or Hell, which one for you?” and “Wouldn’t you like to be saved?” In the whole crowd of white people, what were the odds that he’d manage to single out the one non-Christian? This guy’s Jewdar must have been working overtime.
Honestly, I have no problem with anyone who takes their faith seriously. If it keeps you off the streets at night and adds a little guidance to your life, more power to you. Because honestly, some people need to be reminded repeatedly: defiling the week-dead body of your neighbor’s wife whom you murdered with a wrench is bad.
But I’ve noticed a disturbing correlation between the extent one must broadcast his or her faith and one’s intelligence. Think about, Stephen Fucking Hawking doesn’t go about in his wheel-chair saying in that creepy robot voice of his, “My theory’s the best. And if you don’t believe me, you’re a fucktard.”
No. The only people who do that are complete fucking idiots. And you can tell by the arguments they put forth to defend their beliefs. “If you don’t believe it you’re going to Hell.” “You’re only saying that because you hate America.”
Sure enough, right there in the pamphlet I had been handed was the command: “Be Ye Holy.” And what did they use to support this rule?
“Because it is written.”
Pretending for one second that I was actually considering conversion, this is the best you can do? It’s the equivalent of saying, “But my mom said…” It’s not an argument. It’s not even a justification. “Well, I was going to spend my life wallowing in sin and worshiping Satan, but if it’s written somewhere ‘Be ye holy’ what the hell? Sign me up for Jesus!”
Basically, if you can only express your religious, cultural, or political beliefs through bumper-stickers, you’ve forfeited your right to be part of the debate. Hand in your right to free speech and try to stay out of the way while the grown-ups talk, ok? Because I have a new rule: Shut the fuck up!
Why?
Because it is written, you ignorant cock-sucker.
And while Jesus might not be around to tell you exactly what he was talking about, I’ll be happy to clarify my point using sexually explicit pictures of your mother, a sack of quarters, and six foot length of steel chain.
2 comments:
As I read your post, I become more curious. Is it written somewhere that because one is American, that they must be Christian?
I ask this because in my mind, it seems that America has become synonymous with Christianity. Damn the Muslim and the Jewish or any other religion for that matter. It just seems that, since September 11, all we see is the "justification" of chastizing people because of their religion.
If this is true, it is pretty upsetting. In fact, it kind of makes me sick when I really think about it. If you are non-Christian or have a skin colour other than white, it seems that people have some sort of suspicions about you down there.
Am I not getting the whole picture or am I seeing things correctly?
I really would like to know...
It’s a fair question for someone not residing here. The religious climate in the U.S. drastically shifted in themed 90s and finally came into prominence about the time Bush was “elected” for his first term. He represents an extremely religious/conservative faction of the public who’s mainly located in the Deep South and mid-west. The link between religion and politics in the U.S. has become an extremely strong one based on the unquestioning voting turn-out by congregations spurred on by demagogues.
Carl Rove, the man who mastered-minded Bush’s rise to power is extremely good at painting topics in terms of black and white and good and evil. It’s a political view that easily ties in with the spiritual views of many religious Christians. As a result, huge numbers of churches not only vote, but contribute campaign money for republican candidates. As a result, the republicans in power go out of their way to reward the groups who got them elected, resulting in nearly everything being spun to favor a mythical “moral majority.”
The fact is that Bush and his cronies do not represent the majority of the U.S. In fact, Gore received more votes than him the first time, and the second time he received the fewest votes of any second term president. There are plenty of people across the Country disappointed and angered by the turn that politics have taken over the last decade. However, last I checked Christianity was not the official religion of the U.S.
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