“So all of you are going out tonight?” I asked.
“Oh of course!” they responded. “It’s the biggest party night of the year!”
Honestly, I’m not sure I agree with that title. I mean, it’s going to take some serious debauchery to steal the belt away from New Year’s Eve. I don’t think we’re there yet.
Really though, when did this happen? It’s only in the last few years that “The Wednesday before Thanksgiving” really entered into my consciousness as a drinking holiday. And this is from a dude who keeps Southern Comfort in his trunk to celebrate flat tires.
“Why is tonight such a big deal?” I asked. “I don’t even like my family when I’m sober. The thought of facing them all while completely hung-over might be grounds for suicide.”
It was about four years ago that I first realized how fucking brilliant my grandfather was. Because he came in made a bee-line for the bar and parked himself behind a glass of Scotch for the remainder of the day, taking breaks only for Turkey. Genius. I’ve been celebrating the same way ever since and I’ve never looked back.
Because there’s really no way to coast through this holiday sober. I’ll be asked the five questions below at least 15 times tomorrow. Guaranteed:
- So, are you seeing anyone?
- When are you going to find a nice Jewish girl and settle down?
- Did you hear that your cousin/nephew/dog's friend's owner's landlord just got married?
- Just so you know: I don’t have any problem with gay people. Is there something you’d like to tell me?
- You know, there’s a very nice girl who works in my office. Would you like me to call her for you?
My family’s entire focus seems to be to expand until they dominate the globe. Which is strange, given what a weird bunch of dysfunctional fucks we are. See, I date plenty of women…but there’s a reason that none of them ever get invited to Thanksgiving. Nipple tassels don’t fit in with the dress code.
In all seriousness, I’ll probably have to turn down at least 10 blind dates tomorrow. Because if my family thinks they’re datable, I can be sure they’re no one I’d let within ten feet of me. Why? I’m related to the losers these people have married.
The last time my family tried to set me up with someone, the conversation went like this:
Dad: Hey, Ehren. There’s a girl I’d like you to meet. She’s the daughter of this guy I know from work.
Me: Ummmm…yeah, I’m kinda busy.
Dad: Look, I told her about you and she gave me her number.
Me: She gave YOU her number? What kind of social pariah is she?
Dad: She’s great. She’s into sports, movies, and hamburgers.
Me: So she’s fat?
At least my immediate family knows better now. Tomorrow, maybe I can educate my extended family with the help of the only person I’ll honestly be pleased to see: Mr. Johnny Walker.
10 comments:
Happy Thanksgiving Ehren. Have fun with the family! lol
Nothing like the holidays for your family to make you feel like a failure and fill you with self doubt. This year will be worse than all the others for me. So, I feel your pain.
Cheers! Don't let the bastards get you down.
JB
The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the hottest. You get to show all those you dated in high school how much better you are than them. I love it.
Yeah, I'm a full-blooded man of "the tribe." Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to steal money from the white man and have sex through a sheet.
Hot.
All I wanted was to be born Jewish. Instead I am Catholic. So common. It sucks.
Well Catholics are just about Jewish: we're both raised on a steady diet of guilt.
Melanie isn't Jewish. She IS rediculously hot, though. Actually, I hardly ever date Jewish girls. As a minority it's so refreshing to fuck Christians for a change. :-)
And everyone gets horny on Christmas. I think its all the love and cheer and knowing that you need to secure someone to kiss on New Years.
hope your questions got lots of people to spill their guts. happy thanksgiving.
For the record, I'm not Catholic either. I'm a much more relaxed version of Christian.
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