If I Did It

A while ago, I noted that I don’t really have a talent for office pranks. See, shooting rubber bands at someone, or putting post-it notes over their monitor just doesn’t amuse me. And I know a thing or two about being funny. Abducting someone’s kids at gun point and keeping them locked in the trunk of their fiancé for two days? Hilarious. But apparently, some people feel that when I do that I’m “crossing a line.” Get a fucking sense of humor.

One of my friends from work made the mistake of taking some time off from work. Vacation, religious holiday, dead wife…blah, blah, blah. I forget which. However, in his grieving, he made the fatal mistake of leaving his cube unguarded. Meaning I had the opportunity to issue payback for two and a half years of rubber band attacks. I think the picture below speaks for itself:



You know, it’s not often I get the contented, satisfying feeling of a job well-done at the end of the day. This might have been the most productive day I’ve ever had at work. So it’s nice to truly revel in my output.

Ahhhhhhhh….

I was thinking that the real fun will begin tomorrow when he gets into work. The first thing I plan on doing is putting my arm over his shoulder in a conspiratorial manner, leaning in close and saying, “Steve, I have no idea who could have perpetrated this childish, outrageous prank. Frankly, I’m shocked and appalled. But I’m making you a solemn vow, right here and now, that I will not rest until I find the REAL prankster, whoever he or she really is.”

I figure I’ll let about a week go by then shoot him an email, letting him know that I’ve signed a book deal to tell the story about how I would have booby-trapped his desk called, “If I Did It.”

Good times.

In other news, savvy investors, it seems, took note of my prank and as a result, shares of my company dropped a full dollar. Up until three weeks ago, this would have meant nothing to me. Except at the beginning of the month, I found out that I had a substantial number of stock options and today’s drop cost me personally over $500. That’s a lot of beer. Ordinarily, I’d be slightly depressed about that. But in the long-run, I’m betting that Wall Street will eventually come to realize the true value what I’ve done here today, and send my shares skyrocketing. Which is why I went ahead and ordered 3 live, greased pigs to be delivered to the office tomorrow. The plan (stolen from Jack Saddle) is to number them: “1,” “2,” and “4” before release them to run amuck in the building.

See, now THAT’S funny.