Liebrows

The biggest transition a man has to make when making the transformation from single to “in a relationship” (or, as it’s sometimes pronounced “prison”) is what to do with one’s eyes in the presence of a hot female. This is especially true when you’re hanging out with your significant other. When you’re single, no one cares how much you eye-rape the hot girl standing in checkout in front of you…other than her 6’10” body-builder boyfriend, that is.

We men are a weak bunch. We see boobs and it’s a natural reaction to look. Temptation lurks beneath every blouse, tank top and sweater. It's your job, as a relationship guy, to avoid temptation and maintain eye-contact with any other shapely females. Never, EVER let your eyes stray elsewhere.

My girlfriend and I were eating lunch when a I noticed a girl sitting not-too far away. I suddenly realized that I was going to break the cardinal rule of checking out girls. Eye-contact was simply not an option...but for a totally unexpected reason. She was not especially attractive. Nor did she have any particularly stunning curves. She wore an outfit that probably would have looked more fetching on a clothes-hanger…which was good, because she filled them out roughly as well. She’d have to gain 20 pounds to be considered emaciated. What was fascinating to me was her use of make-up.

I know what a whore looks like. I’ve been to Buffalo, ok? I’ve seen my share of questionable make-up jobs, but I’ve never, EVER seen anything quite like what this girl had done. Normally I’m of the opinion that the less hair a girl has the better. I mean, nothing kills the mood like flossing pubic hair out your teeth mid-kiss. But this girl had taken the idea to whole new level. I’d never actually seen someone go to the length of shaving off her own eyebrows, just so she could pencil them back on. Until then, that is.

Her new, artistically created brows were as skinny and starving looking as she herself. I kept desperately hoping that she wouldn’t notice my eyes traveling up to sneak a peak at them as she ate. They never moved. They weren’t even the same color as her hair. When she got up to go to the bathroom, I half-expected her to return with the brows having migrated to a different portion of her face. Like a Hitler mustache and a goatee. Hey, it couldn’t possibly have looked any less natural.

I have to admit, I probably only heard about three words the girl said all afternoon. All I could think of was the logistics of maintaining those eyebrows.

Did she draw them on each morning? Or did she just sharpie them on one morning about 6 years ago? Maybe she got them tattooed on?

I think that if you’re going to the trouble of scribbling on your own eyebrows each day, why not use them to fuck with people? I think I’d wake up each morning, decide on an expression and create my eyebrows accordingly.

“Today I think I’ll be ANGRY.” Whereupon I’d grab a huge, black marker and draw enormous slanty lines above my eyes. I figure that would instill my every comment for the rest of the day with a new meaning.

“Hey, want to go to lunch?”
“NOOOOO!!!”
“What the fuck is Ehren so pissed about?”

It might also be fun to install white, erase board on my forehead and manually draw in your own expressions when appropriate:

• Angry
• Intrigued
• Confused
• Sad
• Surprised
• And, my personal favorite, unibrow.

These are the kinds of ideas that prevent me from getting into the really good clubs.