Wii-tarded

I fucking hate the Wii. What a useless waste of technology that could have been spent on new ways to download porn. Then again, this load of shit originated in Japan, meaning that this time would have been otherwise sunk into filming women getting fucked by eels in airtight containers of urine while getting beaten with sacks of broken glass. Fine, fine. Pretend I’m the only one who ever saw that movie. But we all know that the Japanese are incapable of producing any sort of “normal” pornography.

But back to the Wii. For those of you who haven’t seen it, the controllers need to be wildly swung about, rather than simply pushing buttons. I guess the idea was that some loser at Nintendo decided to create a video game system for people too lazy for Dance Revolution. Or simply to torture palsy victims.

I’m not a huge videogame guy, I must confess. I’ve got a Playstation that I bust out for stress release from time to time. Hey, if it weren’t for Grant Theft Auto, I would have gone on a killing rampage years ago. Don’t breathe easy just yet, though. I get the feeling that this is sort of like trying to prevent a period with a Q-tip: eventually, I’m going to see red and ruin someone’s underwear. A killing spree is always a distinct possibility.

Speaking of periods, my mom always used to tell me life was like a box of tampons: it’s just one bloody thing after another.

I guess I just don’t understand the appeal of this new system. When I play videogames, it’s because I want to relax, not because I want to jump about my house furiously, fighting imaginary enemies. I mean, between that and Bluetooth headsets, how will we ever really know if someone is having a psychotic-episode? Look, I’m all for exercise, but this is just insanity. If you’re going to spend two hours a day swinging an imaginary bat, why not go down to the batting cages instead? This is the same issue I had with Guitar Hero. I’ve seen kids at stores who are INSANE at that game. Why not take that time and actually learn how to play? Maybe gain an actual skill instead of something completely useless?

I don’t even have a problem with people who want to be completely useless. But if I want to unwind, the last thing I want to do is stand in front of a TV twitching like Michael J. Fox. Instead, I’ll stretch out in a chair like Christopher Reeves.

Now, ordinarily, all of this would be pushed down in a tight little ball until I snapped and beat someone with a wrench. But unfortunately, the Wii has been thrust into my life in the least likely place: my job. Inexplicably, my company decided that having a game system in the lounge would be a good idea. It used to be that I could stretch out on the couch and watch Law & Order reruns during my lunch. Those days are gone. Now everyone piles into the lounge to watch the same three guys play virtual tennis. It’s like college all over-again…except I’m not drunk

…usually.

Fucking Wii. If this continues, I’m going to install a beer tap at my desk at work.