Craig's A Pimp

Now that I’m single, I’ve spent a lot of time trolling the internet looking for girls. Yes, most of it is porn, simply because it’s sexual release without the cost of dinner and/or pretending to be interested in something a woman says, but I’ve also checked out a number of the dating sites. I can’t believe that it took me this long to discover the crazy world of internet pimping.

There are several different tiers of dating sites, or pimping if you will. First there are the high class call girl pimps of eHarmony and Match, then the second and third level rub and tug madams of Pure and Mate1, and finally, on the lowest possible level, just below mail-order brides and AIDS-ridden African whores, is craigslist.

Ah craigslist. How the hell did hookers in Rockland County make any money before craigslist? I mean, besides through my donations. I’m only one man, after all. Actually, I’m starting a new charity: the Adopt Some Sex-Workers Foundation. Adopt Some Sex-Workers Foundation (or A.S.S. Fun for short), allows you to get personally involved in the life of someone who needs your help more than anyone. For a small donation, you can make a difference in a whore’s life today and get her the clear-pumps, pleather skirts, and gonorrhea medication she so desperately needs. Our premium sponsors will even receive a personal visit from the girl they’re helping. I predict that it’s only a matter of days before my charity becomes the most donated to non-profit organization in the world. I mean, come on. How the fuck are Jerry’s Kids going to compete with that?

As founder of this charity, I’ll probably need to buy a pink Cadillac, a gold tooth and a cane. Sure it’s “hard” work, but when I looking at the asses of all the girls I’ve “touched” makes it allllllll worth while. Plus, it’s as close to a recession proof as occupations get.

My favorite section of the Craigslist Personal ads is the “Casual Encounters” listings. Holy Christ. It’s 100% ads for call girls, most of whom think they’re cleverly posing as real women. It’s outstanding. The amount of hilarity is almost too much to stand.

I like the ones that read something like this:

"Hot 28 year-old not getting what I need from my husband. Looking for some no strings attached fun tonight. I’m classy, quiet and shy. Please email pictures and credit card numbers."

And then there’s a picture of her vag. Classy.

I’m not sure why any hooker thinks it’s a good idea to try to advertise with photos of the cootch. Under ordinary circumstances, I’d hardly classify any fish taco as being “picturesque.” But after 15 years of paid-for abuse, it’s almost always a downright tragic view. It becomes, as I like to call it, “Chipped Ham.”



And with that awesome visual, I’m out to troll craigslist for a girl desperately seeking a substitution for daddy’s love. Or maybe just some mayo for her chipped ham.