Fantasy Sexball

Now, my recent decent into the single life has been depressing, not only in its soul-crushing familiarity (Jesus…this is what my life used to be? How did I not kill myself?) but the inescapable fact that it’s likely going to be here for a long, long time. At this point, I’m looking for a relationship with less of an emotional connection than a glory hole.

Because I’m unready for any interaction with the opposite sex that doesn’t involve a hole in a pay-toilet, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the internet. As a result, a thought dawned on me. Please consider these two seemingly unrelated facts:

1. The popularity of fantasy sports is simply staggering. According to Rueters nearly 30 million people play some fantasy sport in the U.S. or Canada. And many of them will probably do it on their employer’s dime.
   


2. Meanwhile, almost 7 million people a day watch porn on the internet.

A normal person would see these two statistics as isolated. But a genius such as myself sees an awesome opportunity to make some serious bank combining his two great internet passions into a brand-new past-time sure to take the internet by storm: Fantasy Sexball.

The premise is this: Each year, you’ll gather with your buddies and draft porn stars onto your team (or swinger party, if you'd prefer a term keeping with the milieu). For the next 12 months, you’ll follow your stars’ "sexploits" with points being awarded based on the following accomplishments:

• Scenes Recorded
• Threesomes
• Facials
• Anal
• Fellatios
• Fistings
• Double Penetrations
• Dirty Sanchezes
• Cleveland Steamers
• DV/DAs
• Blumpkins
• Autoerotic Asphyxiations

Obviously, this list could be expanded. I mean, given the amount of porn being filmed at any given time, chances are if you can dream it, somewhere the recipient of a bad titjob is doing it on camera at this moment. Or if you really wanted to get creative, make each team carry a certain number of male porn stars, midgets and ponies. My point is that this is a game that tests not only your level of perversion, but gives you the chance to get to take your knowledge of friends and coworks to a whole new level of creepy.

The only downsides are that it’s probably going to be much more difficult and/or risky to play in the office and after 12 long months, there’s a good chance that there’ll have been some serious chaffing.