Ben Franklin and The Grain Industry Can Go Fuck Themselves

And now a phrase we, as a culture, don’t say nearly enough: DAMN YOU, BEN FRANKLIN!

Ben Franklin first came up with the wonderful idea of Daylight Savings back when he was working for France, and those damn farmers in America's Heartland have been holding the rest of us hostage ever since. I swear, I'm not sure I can take another year of these random time changes. That means you're all about 365 days away from a headline that reads:

Lunitic Arrives Hour Late At Ben Franklin's Tomb. Arrested For Descrating The Grave Of Founding Father.

Every single spring I wake up one morning and find that I’m an hour late for everything. You can’t do that to me! I have enough trouble trying to keep my life together as it is! I understand that according to Einstein, time is relative. It shouldn’t be a variable in day to day life, though! Lazy, shirking farmers! Let it never be said that the Grain Industry isn’t trying to mercilessly screw us. And by “us” I mean “me.”

Twice a year, at daylight savings time, I have the same thought: “That’s it! I’m moving to one of those loser states that doesn’t believe in changing time around for the convenience of some inbred hillbillies.” Then I get angry, and consider starting a profession that can make innocent people comply with completely outrageous demands.

This post is to declare myself the official founder and Dictator-For-Life of the Guild of City-Dwelling Mystics: we provide rational thought, irrational anger, and general discontent about our entire society, while contributing nothing of value of our own. For tax-reasons, this organization doubles as a religion.

Now on to the good stuff. Our list of demands is as follows:

• If the grain industry gets to change time itself, we demand the right to change quantities to suit our every whim. Paychecks, goods, services, and distances are all fair game.
• We also demand the right to declare up to 3 “Honorary Saturdays” a week. A declaration is valid up until 2 A.M. of the day in question. No formal announcement is needed. Everyone else will have to learn to adjust their schedules accordingly.
• Each month, the members of our guild will receive a tribute consisting of: a hogshead of brown M&Ms, four pennywhistles, two suckling pigs, and “a comely lass of virtue true.”
• We, as an organization, find it inconvenient to memorize a lot of names. Forthwith, anyone with a name beginning with the letters “R” “K” “S” or “W” must immediately change their names to “Gladys.” Men and women alike will have to suffer on this one.
• Each member of the GOCDM have decided that spelling shall change, based on the time of year. Each month, we will add, remove, or alter the alphabet, based on our convenience. For example, for the remainder of the day, the letters “Q” “B” and “O” shall cease 2 exist. Als, the letter “F” will hereby be replaced with “C.”

I think that ur demands are relatively simple, reasnable and ratinal. Rememer, it’s nt like we’re asking yu t change time itself.

CUK YU, EN CANLKIN AND ALL YU LAZY CUCKING CARMERS!!!!