Words Of Wisdom And Places To Get Busy

Some friends of mine were discussing the role of sex in marriage yesterday. They were talking about a trip one of them was taking that involved 10 days on a tropical island in a wedding party. She said something along the lines of, “Wooo, 10 straight days of sex. I LOVE being single.”

To which I responded, “Sex everyday? Isn’t that the point of getting married?”

Both my friends, who either are or have been married promptly burst into laughter.

OK, maybe I’m naïve about marital relations, but is the sex drop-off really that big? The longest relationship I was ever involved with lasted nearly two years. Granted, it’s not marriage and it’s not 20 years, but we had a LOT of sex. I mean, even by the end of the relationship we were on a pretty steady at least twice a day schedule. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be one of those old guys who has crazy sex until he drops dead at 93.

I’m not sure women realize who important sex is. And I’m not talking about just the physical aspect, either. Think about this way: you know those times when your man hold the door for you, or sends you flowers at work, or calls just to chat with you? It’s not REALLY the door, the flowers or the call that’s important. What gives you girls that gooey feeling is what those actions symbolize: that your man desires you and wants to make you happy. THAT’S the real issue of sex in relationships.

Mario Puzo, the genius who wrote The Godfather, said in his book Fools Die, “The first time a woman refuses to put out, it’s over. No excuses, no headaches. If a woman turns you down in bed, start looking for a new girl.” For the longest time, I thought that it was bullshit. Now I’m not so sure.

Looking back on the one girl who cheated on me (that I know of that is), I remember that she DID turn me down once. Maybe I should have listened to Puzo and packed up my shit right then.

Let me ask this: if your married sex life sucks, could it be that you’re just not with the right person? In the relationships that worked really well for me, neither one of us could keep our hands off each other. I’m not sure that familiarity could ever really destroy that. I imagine that there are always new places and positions to try, new outfits to be found…sex is really only as boring as you let it get.

In the off-chance I find married life considerably more G-rated than I anticipated however, I’ve decided to start compiling a list of places that I’d like to have sex. If any of my readers have other suggestions, please feel free to chime in.

1. Airplane. Yes, it’s probably uncomfortable beyond belief and requires that your date be extremely thin and flexible, but come on. Mile High Club. No quibbling, it’s something that should be on everyone’s list.
2. Dressing room at Victoria’s Secret. Why buy the garters when you can fuck your girl in them for free? I imagine the secret would be for the guy to stand in a shopping bag so his legs are not visible to people walking by.
3. Drive-In Movie Theater. OK, so I’ve already done this one…twice. But it’s fantastic! It gets two thumbs way up from Ehren.
4. Library. Maybe it’s because I used to work at one, maybe it’s the fact that it’s a place where people are supposed to be quiet, restrained and disciplined. Either way, it sounds like a shushed-good time.
5. Church. It’d have to be a catholic girl, though. As a Jew, it’d be nice to fuck a Christian for a change. Besides, I suspect that Jesus is getting tired of only getting to watch men fuck boys in his house.
6. At a National Landmark. Don’t really care whether it’s the Eiffel Tower, The Empire State Building, or Easter Island. I just want to make a post card that I’m SURE would cause a lawsuit from the Historic Society.