Impressing The Office With My Hot, Thick Meat

I was grilling during lunch today, when a guy from my office came up to me and said, “Dude, my grill is way bigger than yours. My grill is HUGE.”

I responded, “It’s not the size of the grill, it’s all about how you use it.”

“The classic response from the guy with a tiny grill.” He sneered.

“Yeah, but your big grill burns gas like nothing. I can cook all day with my little grill. Plus, I’m not trying to compensate for my dick size. Open wide and taste my sausage, bitch!”

It was just one of the many jokes involving “hot meat” made over lunch that completely annihilated any hopes of adhering to the company sexual harassment guidelines. It also reminded me of the interesting obsession that men have with their penises.

The whole “I have a bigger dick than you, therefore I’m more of a man than you” really peaked in high school. Back then, pretty much three quarters of everything spoken by a male was trying to convince the opposite sex that they were hung like porn stars. In retrospect, the logic that this would make you MORE attractive seems really, really bad. I somehow doubt any of the girls were itching to lose their virginity to Ron Jeremy. Also, the guys were all white boys from the suburbs. My guess is that their cocks reflected as much. What they should have done was not call attention to their genitalia. That way at least the girls wouldn’t have been so monumentally disappointed when they dropped their pants.

Early on in life, I realized that bragging doesn’t really impress women. So I only make dick jokes when I think it’s funny. You might say I like to walk softly and carry a big stick.

See, that was funny!

I have a friend who decided to take the opposite path. All he talked about was how tiny was. I remember one exchange between him and a girl that went like this:

“I swear I have the smallest dick in the world. The only thing shorter than my cock is a black man’s “To-Do” list.”

“Well, it’s not the size of the ship; it’s how fast you cross the Atlantic.”

“Yeah, but do you have any idea how long it takes to get to England in a row-boat?”

I’m just not convinced that women are falling for anything that a man says about his groin. Women are missing so many promised inches that they’re each entitled to more square feet than the Louisiana Purchase. Starving children in Somalia have been promised more undelivered meat. Taiwanese chicken farmers devastated by the bird flu have lost less cock.

You know, at this point in my life, I don’t really care about it any more. I mean, the kind word that I get now and then about my body is nice. But what I really prefer are compliment on my performance. Because the guys who still worry about the size of their grill, are completely missing the fact that the right spices, slow heat, and eating technique are way more important to a completely satisfying meal.