Better Dating Through Fear

I was thinking the other day that there are two possible ways to go about designing an evening that will win a lady’s heart. The first is through grand, sweeping, romantic gestures: flowers, candle-lit dinner, moonlit walk on the beach. Obviously, this is the more universally accepted way to woo. But I’ve been wondering if this approach is not completely off-base.

Not only does it set unrealistic expectations on what a man’s like, the whole approach seems way too needy. Which is why I propose a second, more fiscally responsible method. Though unpopular, I suspect it will prove much more effective.

Essentially, it’s a romance style based on Stockholm-Syndrome. Hear me out on this one.

What a dating really should do is prepare two people for a life-time of bad sex, disappointment and, ultimately, an existence devoid of any lingering hopes or dreams. What better way to capitalize on that than to make your dates so traumatic, that life with you seems dazzling by comparison. I’ve heard that fear is the greatest aphrodisiac. It’s time to take that theory and run with it.

Why buy your date flowers, when you can set a rabid pit-bull loose in her bathroom? In the long run, is a candlelit dinner really so much different taking her to a slaughter house? And by “taking” I mean “abducting.” In the trunk of your car. With duct tape. And why go on a star-kissed walk on the beach, when you can pretend your car broke down in the middle of the crack-district?

This is the best idea I ever had. It’s time to start exposing women to situations that make me seem awesome by comparison. For example, is a potential date not certain I’m good looking enough to sleep with? A visit to the burn-ward of the local hospital ought to change her mind. Do I not make enough money? Watch as I bust her cell phone and drop her off without a penny in “Driftertown” as it’s affectionately called by the locals.

I mean think about it: after a few weeks of dealing with random abductions, animal attacks, and close encounters with death, a girl’s bound to start breaking down psychologically. Leaving her just vulnerable enough to take up with the likes of me.

The real trick, I imagine, would be avoiding a restraining order and jail time during the courting period. Though such experiences would, most likely, work a similar effect on me, increasing my feelings for a girl exponentially. Nothing like a doing a little hard time to strengthen your interest in a girl. What’s that saying, “Absence makes the heart grow stronger?” Really makes you wonder about our current system for dealing with stalkers.

Because after all that, when you’re both completely paranoid, scarred, and emotionally broken, you’ll have no choice but to give up on yourselves and settle for anyone you can con into tolerating you. And in the end, isn’t that what dating is all about?