Coveting Thy Neighbor's Wife

Jack Saddle and I recently had a discussion about the etiquette involved in sleeping with someone your friend has fucked. See, a girl we know had sex with one of the members of our little group. She’s a pretty attractive girl and Jack commented “I’d still fuck her.”

This is where things start to get twisted. Because there is really no clearly defined etiquette governing “sloppy seconds.”

For example, I slept with a girl that Jack dated. Of course, there was about 4 years between us. I don’t find it weird. In fact, we joke about it all the time. Another friend of mine ended up sleeping with an ex of mine. The girl was pretty embarrassed when she found out I knew, but the guy and I joked around about it with no awkwardness.

Then again, there are stories like the one below:

I dated a girl (we’ll call her Debbie) back in college. We met in a music class when we had to go around the room and name some of our favorite bands. When she said, “AC/DC” I raised my first and pinky fingers in the international symbol for “Rock” and banged my head. She grinned while the 30 other classically trained musicians in the room stared blankly.

She and I started a relationship based on the only two loves we had in common: Hard Rock and Southern Comfort. After about a month, I sobered up and realized that not only did we have nothing else in common, but she was completely insane. She sucker-punched my friend’s fiancé at a party. She woke up shaking and hysterical after having dreams about her dad. She’d try to wrestle me and cry if I tried to pin her down. Everyone has issues…but I felt like there was just too much there to fix.

While I was dating her, I met her best friend who we’ll call “Erika.” Erika was a bit of a slut, but was still sane enough to realize that her friend had issues. As a result, she became helpful when I needed a hand trying to decipher Debbie’s crazy outbursts. Many of you can see where this story is leading.

After I broke up with Debbie, Ericka waited exactly three days before showing up drunk at my door and throwing herself at me.

Months later, Debbie found out that we slept together. To this day, she doesn’t know that it was a scant 72 hours after I dumped her, but it took her years to forgive Erika. Debbie still doesn’t talk to me, by the way. In fact, I later heard that she “prays nightly for my torment and demise.” We dated for a month. Six years ago. Maybe it’s time to give up the grudge and move on.

But it brings me back to my point: what’s fucking etiquette in these situations? Is a girl off limits for all time because they dated one of your friends? Does it matter how long they dated for, how close friends you are, or their feelings for their ex? What about people who only slept with your friends? Is it bad form to bang them out? How long a grace period is required?

Don't look at me like I'm sleazy. It's not like the Bible says anywhere you shouldn't covet thy neighbor's wife.

This is all the shit that someone needs to write out and finish off these silly disputes once and for all. That way, when your poker buddy gets pissed because you’re nailing his ex-wife, you can just pull out the book and say, “Dating law says that after six months she’s fair game.” Then you can buy him a beer and joke about how she makes yelping noises in bed.