I’d be the first to admit that I’ve made some mistakes when it comes to women. OK, that last sentence is perhaps the understatement of the decade. “Some mistakes” doesn’t quite cover taking a girl’s virginity then breaking up with her and sleeping with her best friend three days later. Hey, I never specified the SIZE of the mistakes.
However, lest anyone think that the universe is not only just, but has an incredibly perverse sense of humor, I’ve also paid for the error in my ways. In general, I like to think I’ve caused less injury than has been inflicted on me. In retrospect, if karma actually does exist, I’ll probably be suffering for a very long time…before being reincarnated as the bike owned by a morbidly obese sexual deviant.
However, sometime, just sometimes, I can’t help but think I’ve done ok for myself, considering what I had to work with. Lots of guys can claim that they had crazy ex-girlfriends. I have proof. In what is a weirdly satisfying experience, you can actually Google one of them along with the words “paranoia,” “delusional" or “psychotic” and get valid results. I don’t mean you get someone else with the same name, or you get blogs about her: you get actual news articles on a girl I dated.
Now the articles that come up go on to explain that she was not suffering from the afflictions I listed above until the Peace Core doled her out a controversial medication. But still…it’s nice to get validation.
I’ve never been a really vindictive guy in my romantic life. I usually cut ties and let bygones be bygones. Yet if I HAD been spiteful, I’d be hard-pressed to come up with an ordeal crueler than the one she went through. I mean, how many guys can say their ex-girlfriend caught Malaria in Ecuador and then had to be treated for “depression, vivid nightmares, paranoia, hallucinations and lethargy”?
Now as weird as that is, there’s more to the story. See, remember the story I told you at the beginning of this post about taking a girl’s virginity and then sleeping with her best friend three days later? This ex was that best friend. Meaning either:
- God is decidedly male and wants to fuck her over for her role in…well, fucking over her best friend.
- God hates us both and is in the process of dreaming up equal or worse punishment for me.
In a related story, I will be sleeping, peeing, and living under a mosquito-net for the rest of my existence.
5 comments:
If karma does exist, she's a bitch.
I lived in haiti for 3 months and took Larium. No crazies... although I heard that you shouldn't take malaria pills at all if you are going long term.
She is crazy
Hmm... Yeah, my ex was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia:
*** A person experiencing schizophrenia is typically characterized as demonstrating disorganized thinking, and as experiencing delusions or auditory hallucinations ***
I feel your pain, When we broke up, someone once told me that they didn't understand, he seemed like he had a lot of friends. I said that he did, but they were all made up in his head...
Evil D, you are the best poster on the Three Angry Guys blog. You should get your own site. I’d read that shit every day.
Someone needs to pimp-slap Automattic. All he ever writes about are feelings, insecurities, and how much he loves his girlfriend.
Please let him know his penis has been confiscated until further notice and that he is an enormous bitch.
E. I love your 'Easy' belt, it’s so HOT! I think I will do you after all if I ever I see you again. (I know, but a girl has the right to change her mind). This time we need to break our 7-hour record.
:p
Post a Comment