This is the second time I’ve been here and the first time, frankly, I fucked everything up royally. I began writing substantially less about sex and girls out or respect to my girlfriend, but I didn’t want to change the tone of my blog, so I never came right out and included her in my writing. The result was a lot of mediocre posts that still infuriated my significant other and left me frustrated. I’m determined to do a better job this time around.
Look, I’m never going to be that guy blathering on about two-person bicycles, lingering kisses, and tender hand-holding sessions. It’s just not going to happen. But something’s got to give. I’ve changed and so my writing here must change with me or else it’s all just bullshit.
So basically, I’ve decided to try to get back to expressing my random thoughts. Maybe they won’t have so much to do with horrible dates with random broads anymore. But I feel confident that my life is interesting enough to provide me with plenty of material for as long as it continues. I’ll be sure to include as much entertainment as I can that doesn’t plunge my life into turmoil….well, more turmoil than normal.
I’m sure some of you are wondering what kind of girl it takes to win over a hopeless misanthrope like myself. To give you an idea, here’s a brief story.
A while back when I had a killer case of insomnia, she sent me two stuffed, plush microbes as a gift: Sleeping Sickness, and Syphilis.
Obviously, she’s a deliciously warped character. Add to that unbelievable smarts, a stripper body and the fact that she fucks like a porn star and ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a winner. For the record, though, playing guitar, loving the Yankees, and owning a schoolgirl outfit didn’t hurt, either.
Perhaps some of you are recoiling now. “Is this the end of the old, bitter, callus, insensitive Ehren?” I hear you ask. I’d like to think not. I spent a couple days wandering about the country, meeting interesting people, seeing weird sights…and mocking them all endlessly. Being in love does not, apparently, decrease my levels of sarcasm or my need to shameless kick people when they’re down. But I’ll get to the South tomorrow.
See you then, bitches.
8 comments:
I find it intriguing that your new broad is cool with you announcing to the world that she "fucks like a porn star". I'm sure that her parents are proud.
You better be sarcastic...or else!!!
Ok, so wait, was that "you better be sarcastic" aimed at Ehren, or me? Because, if it was aimed at me... first of all, who DOES that? I mean, it's the Internet... who throws threats like "or else" on the net? And secondly... what kind of pussy goes by "anonymous" and makes threats? But, I guess that the downtrodden, cowardly and pathetic need a place to voice their frustrations.
Wow. Congrats on the new found feelings. I'd be highly impressed if my new found love publicly referred to me as having a 'strippers body' and that I 'fuck like a porn star'.
If she reads this and stands for it, she's a fool. If she doesn't read it, maybe that says something there.
Oh, Anonymous, you have SO much to teach me in the ways of women. Thank God you showed up, as you obviously have a much better knowledge of the relationship than me.
What was I supposed to say? That she looks like a bulimic runway model after $300,000 of surgery and fucks like a whore? That'd just be in bad taste.
Honestly, what woman wouldn't be flattered to be spoken of in such glowing terms? That's why I include both those phrases on all my Mother's Day cards.
Good looking out. Jackass.
Oh goodness! Thank you so much, Anonymous, for helping to reveal the true nature of my boyfriend!
I thought he was going to write about puppies and sunshine and butterflies! Or the way we delicately hold hands and stare longingly into each other's eyes while listening to Dashboard Confessional.
And I thought he liked me because of my unicorn collection. I guess I _have_ been a fool....
*cries into hands*
Yes it is settled, a fool. Quality people both of you.
You have a unicorn collection? You're a weird chick. But at least you fuck like a porn star. Bitchin.
I am so close to writing a song about that, it's not even funny.
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