Girls Who Want Me...Dead

I’ve decided that the main difference between how men and women view relationships is optimism and pessimism. Allow me to elaborate.

Men tend to assume that there are limitless possibilities in the dating pool. A while ago I said that if a guy brings a great girl over to meet his buddies, the buddies say to themselves, “I got to get me a girl like that.” The key word here is LIKE. In a man’s world, there’s always the possibility that someone better might come along. I think secretly all men are assuming that eventually something better will come along. This might be why some men are loath to commit. Deep down, we know that the world is a big place and there will always be women who don’t know better than to date us.

Women on the other hand think that the dating pool is more like a dating puddle. In a woman’s eyes there are, at any given time, no more than 78 datable men in the entire continental U.S. In the event that one is encountered, they must be pounced on and locked down at all costs. It doesn’t matter if he’s dating someone else. Employers, life-long friends, family members: they’re all are nothing more than obstacles standing between what should rightfully be yours.

I’m endlessly amused by women who accuse men of being mean-spirited. When a guy has a problem with another dude, they fight. They knock each other’s teeth out then buy a round for the loser. End of fight.

When women have problems, the whole thing becomes an entirely new level of nasty. A spat between females means spending the remainder of your existence into grinding your opponent into the dust. The idea is to smile to their face, but work behind the scenes to destroy their self-esteem, friendships, employment opportunities, and credit record. When a woman makes enemies, she won’t rest until her opponent dies broken, fat, miserable and alone.

Some people might think I’m over-reacting. Turns out I have a story.

A girl I dated (Let’s call her “Jill”) and I had some problems that led to me ending things. “What kind of problems?” you ask. Well other than decking my friend’s fiancé, being incapable of telling the truth, and having the sex drive of a rock, she was fine, I guess. At any rate, I broke up with her. All would have been ok, except she insisted on remaining friends. I tried to tell her, “Listen, if you want to stay friends that’s great. I’m all for that. But don’t just say you want to be friends and then do nothing but plot about getting back together.”

Of course, that’s exactly what she did. Regardless of what you ladies think, breaking up with someone is NO fun. What I soon discovered was that hanging out with Jill meant that each time I saw her I had to break up with her AGAIN. After the fourth time I completely flipped out.

In my defense, it was right towards the end of finals week. For some reason, I had decided that finals week was also the perfect time to start in with a new girl, who Jill knew nothing about. The result of these two activities was that I had gotten a total of about 6 hours sleep in the past week. I was in the middle of writing a 20 page thesis on “Post-Structuralist Theory and Modern Belief Systems” when I got an Instant Message from Jill.

“Hey. Don’t you think we were the cutest couple ever? Don’t you think that we could get back together maybe in a year or something after you’ve had a little space?”

I snapped. I’d told her a number of times that things were through and she just wasn’t getting it. So proceeded to point the obvious facts that she was:

1. Psychotic
2. Pathological
3. Terrible in bed
4. Had roughly the same build and beauty of a plank of wood.
5. In no way capable of emotion, love, honesty, improvement or understanding
6. Lacked a soul

I went medieval on her. I was wrong to do so.

Once a week later and then again a few months following, I sent her emails to apologize. I received no reply.

That had been my final semester at school, but when the year started up again I started hearing stories from my friends who still attended the university. Apparently, this girl had begun spreading the story to my old friends and professors that I had beaten her and given her an STD. Needless to say both stories were completely false.

I flipped out and called her. While it didn’t go well, I told her that I was sorry for the things I said at the end of our relationship and if she had any problems she could take them up with me directly.

I would have thought that the story would end here. Alas, it doesn’t. 5 years later, I found out from a friend that she (yes this is a direct quote) “prays and plots nightly for my pain, torture and lingering torment.”

I’ve had a lot of bad break-ups and arguments with people. But you know what? There are only a handful that I still keep grudges against. Of those few, there are none that I wouldn’t forgive if they came to me and said the right thing.