On a side note, one of my friends came up with an idea for a can’t-miss concept band: Pirate Metal. They’d play shows up and down the wharfs, rocking out with super up-beat metal versions of Sea-Shanties. Can’t you just imagine a lead singer with a mic looped through his hook? I even typed up a Wanted Ad:
Wanted: recovering amputee to front Sailor-Metal Band. Peg leg and prosthetic arm a plus. Extra consideration will go towards candidates who “lost their eye in a grog-house fight with a Turk.” Must be willing to work with Parrot.
Sorry, I’m easily distracted. What was I talking about? Oh yeah! The Japanese! Ordinarily, I love Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. But between those Anime shows, Tom Visits the Mayor, and those reruns of Saved by the Bell that they’re running, I’m seriously considering switching to Comedy Central. Anime is unwatchable.
I dated a girl who was into Anime. I even went as far as downloading a bunch of the X-Rated stuff for her. She was enthralled. I have no clue why. Here’s a typical moment from a Japanese Cartoon:
A girl is trying to break into prison. So she whistles and a squirrel the size of an autistic kid’s head jumps out of the tree and attacks the guards.
“What the fuck is that?” I demanded
“Oh…that’s sort of her pet squirrel.”
“How the hell was I supposed to know that? That thing’s never been on screen before. And who keeps squirrels as pets? Squirrels that are trained to attack people? If you’re looking at beefing up the home security, why would you want an attack squirrel? Wouldn’t a dog make more sense?”
“I don’t know…they never really explain it.”
And by the way…what’d the deal with every woman in Japanese Cartoons wearing bras that are, conservatively, quadruple G? They are, in the words of Celia Hodes of Weeds, “Freak show big. So large that smaller breast want to orbit them.” I’ve never seen a Japanese girl larger than a B. David Spade has bigger tits, ok? Trade in your training bras and give up the dream.
By far the weirdest thing produced by the Japanese, however, is the Porn. Look, I’m a guy with the normal appetites. Sometimes I like my videos a little raunchy. It’s not like I’m running home to download videos of choir practices. Go ahead and slap that ass! Give her a Pearl Necklace! It's all a fantasy, anyway.
A man can only go so far, however. That's why I’ve stopped downloading Japanese porn. Because no matter how kinky the porn you’re looking for, anything made by our rice-eating brethren to the east is assured of being 900% filthier. I think they’ve given up any straight fucking. Anytime you download a Japanese clip you’re guaranteed to see a video involving 12 live eels, penis warts, and a bathtub full of feces. Or a ten year-old girl getting skull-fucked by a 600 pound ape with Herpes. Or...well, you get the idea.
In college I knew this girl who desperately wanted to be Japanese. She spoke it, she read about the culture, she gave herself a Japanese name...she even refused to date guys who weren’t from there! And she was a skinny white girl from Upstate New York! Apple Pie and Hotdogs are more exotic than her. At any rate, I was out in the hall chatting with a bunch of our mutual friends and her when she slammed on me about something. I nodded laughed and made a mental note to get revenge. A few minutes later she said something that I asked her to repeat.
“I said, ‘I’m an egg.’ You know, white on the outside, yellow on the inside.”
“Oh.” I replied. “I thought it was because I’d get salmonella if I ate you raw.”
7 comments:
You have to admit the food is outta this world! I love Japenese FOOD!!
Oh and apparently I can't spell.... *Japanese....
Oh well shrugs...sighs... bye!
hi eeekkk. i just came across your blog on myspace, and i have an idea for a story. as a former lover of yours, i would really like to know why you feel the need to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb like an infant after sex. i also happen to know that you performed this act with numerous other women. is this a typical post-coital behavior for you, or were you just going through your freak period? don't get me wrong, i love kids (in fact i have two of them now - don't worry...none of them are yours), but to have your lover look up at you adoringly with his thumb in his mouth is more than merely unnerving...it's downright nauseating. perhaps you could clear things up for myself, and all of the women who have the unfortunate luck of sleeping with you in the future.
yours truly,
a VERY concerned citizen
LOL
The thumb sucking is strictly a reaction to recieving poor head. I only do that to women who could stand to learn a thing or two on how to suck properly.
Also, it's possible that after blowing my load I got another glipse at who I was sleeping with and instantly went into shock. You know, regressed into childhood from the sheer horror. Let me ask you a question, did I also run into the shower, douse myself in bleach and chant repeatedly, "Still not clean! not clean!"?
All that said, I like sucking my thumb! Far less damaging than cigarettes. Mmmm...smooth. Yes folks, there's nothing like a good suck after sex.
that's the best you could do? awww, you're adorable.
I can't really comment on the Japanese mind. I lived there for a while and thought that I could understand things well enough but every day, I see things that still surprise me.
This "egg" woman sounds like so many others. They find another culture so "exotic" that they try to be part of that culture. The truth is, if she went to Japan, the average citizen there would see her as just another "gaijin" oddity. Kind of like Gwen Stefani who makes herself out to be a huge trendsetter yet she hires "fake" Japanese women to be her entourage and steals fashion ideas from "Hello Kitty". These people just aren't happy about who they are. I know because I used to kind of be that way myself.
About the large-sized bras of Japanese women. This is just a reverse case of the "egg" woman. They want to be something they are not.
I think you probably know this by now, however, I laughed so hard when I read this post, I had to leave a comment.
Thanks for sharing...
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