The Best $50 Ever Spent

Male friendship is a weird thing. Girls never randomly tackle their friends across the table as a joke. Girls don’t seem to find it funny if their friends color on their faces in permanent marker. And no matter how openly girls chat amongst their friends, there is NO way that the conversations are anything like the ones guys have over a few beers.

Example: I was playing cards last night when one of my friends asked who at the table had ever performed a “Spiderman” on a girl. I had no idea what the act entailed, but I immediately envisioned some superhuman balancing act involving a rope, spandex, and the creative use of the term “web shooter.” Well, I was part right.

The “Spiderman” is when a man finishes in his hand, makes a fist and then hurls his “web” at the girl.

“That’s GREAT,” commented another of my friends. “Have you ever given a girl a ‘Chicken Cutlet’?”

A “Chicken Cutlet” is when a man who is having sex with a woman on the beach removes his “chicken” and “breads” it with sand before continuing intercourse.

Hey, I’m beginning to wonder how I managed to survive this long without knowing this kind of shit! Obviously I’ve been doing something wrong.

Another blatant example of the strange companionship that men develop is the extent to which “Breaking and Entering” and “Assault” are tolerated. I have a friend who bet one of our buddies (let’s call him ‘Hans’) that he wouldn’t drop-kick Hans in the chest. The practical outcome of this bet is that if my friend ever does launch himself feet-first at Hans, he then has to pay Hans fifty beans. It may sound like my friend got the raw end of the bargain here—if he had shut his mouth he could have conceivably planted two steel-toe construction boots ankle-deep in Hans at no charge. However, think about it this way: we have just put a price on a potentially fatal assault charge: $50. And none of us wonder “if” Hans will ever have to be paid. We all know it’s simply a matter of WHEN.

I picture it going down like this:

At 2:30 in the morning there’s a knock at Hans’ front door. He fumbles with a bathrobe while bleary answering it to see a Fed-Ex delivery man holding an envelope.

“Priority delivery for Hans. Sign here, sir.”

Without thinking, Hans signs, tears open the envelope and stares blankly at what appears to be a check for $50. Then, just as the realization dawns and the terror grips his face, two feet horizontally enter the door and plant themselves squarely in his chest.

That pretty well covers the "Assault" portion covered by male camaraderie. What about the "Breaking and Entering," you ask? Well, I have a dear friend who will be returning to town after a three month business trip. He rooms with three guys who are in our circle of cohorts, so the ideas have already been suggested regarding a “welcome back” prank. Among the better ideas I’ve heard so far are:

• Lacquering gay porn to all four walls and the ceiling
• Hiding a number of devices around his room that beep every 5 minutes or so
• Filling the entire room with packing peanuts
• Adding a layer of catsup packets underneath his sheets
• Releasing a swarm of locusts/fire ants/snakes in his linen closet

If anyone else has some particularly fiendish pranks, please let me know. I guess what this really underlines is that with friends like these, I’m not sure that I can handle anymore enemies.