Tom Can Suck My Dick

From what I understand, people are really into wasting their lives on My Space. I still think that I’m missing some hugely important piece of information about that site. I keep expecting to suddenly find out that Tom is cult leader who has enslaved the minds of anyone that’s ever visited.

Back in November, I was finally hauling myself out of the soul-crippling depression surrounding my last break-up and was getting ready to launch myself at any female I could find. Through the process of elimination, I had narrowed it down to three realistic candidates. All of them had My Space accounts and talked about it obsessively. So finally, in a decision based about 60% out of boredom, I signed up for an account. I’ll be honest: the other 40% was so I could look at pictures of hot local girls.

I would say I was interested in the site for all of two weeks. I’m really puzzled by the people continued to be captivated by it longer than that. I mean, sure it’s moderately entertaining to personalize a page and cyber stalk hot girls that don’t really exist…but how much of that can you really take? Essentially it’s a painfully slow site, riddled with technical problems are over-run by narcissistic losers! Like me! Seriously, I know that no one will find my page in the least bit entertaining. I’m just too lazy to take it down. Also, I like having an extended profile up for the people who read this blog: you know, one last ditch effort to scare anyone who’s interested in the psychopath that writes this shit.

I keep hearing this theory that My Space is a fantastic place to meet singles. I guess that might be the case if I were looking for a girl with absolutely no personality. For a while I was into combing the local profiles to find a hot single girl in the area. Then I realized every single one had the same information:

Hi, I’m 24, single and great music is my LIFE. I’m into everything from Nick Lachey to Daniel Powter. I even like classics like Eminem and Nickleback.

I’m into obscure movies and hate mainstream cinema. I’m sorta a film nut. My favorites are:
Pretty Woman
Wedding Crashers
Princess Bride

I love to dance and go out to my friends. A huge shout out to my sista Denise! Best friends 4evah!

Then there are pictures of 15 girls, obviously taken about 5 years ago with no description about whose profile this is. And maybe one of the owner wearing a giant cowboy hat, Wrap-around shades, a scarf, a wig, and a ski-mask.

If we eliminated every single profile that contained the information above, we’d be left with 50 members: bands and porn stars that would spam each other mercilessly. Essentially, My Space is exactly like a cell-phone with a camera: completely irrelevant.

Twice a week I get the following messages to my account:

• Hi hottie! I just started a web-cam. Maybe we can get together! http://watchslutsfuckwhilewestealyourcreditcard.com/
• Hey bro. I’m the singer for “The Chuck Finklestein Experience and Bar-Mitzvah Band.” We’re doing a killer set in your area, so come check us out!

So my question is: what exactly is the big attraction? What’s the big mystery that I’m missing? And what’s the deal with the people that have 900 billion “friends” on their list? Here’s a news flash: “friends” are people you actually speak to in what I like to call “real life.” Unless you’re running a business here’s a good test of how big an asshole you are: the larger your list of friends, the bigger dick you are. By that indication, we get an idea who’s the biggest dick on the planet. I’ll give you a hint: he’s the creator of the most pointless site on earth.

Fuck you, Tom!