Hardcore Porn, Roaring Twenties Style

I was speaking to a friend today who was recommending a porno movie. She said. “It’s fantastic! It’s a porno version of Alice in Wonderland.”

“Uh-huh” I replied, only half paying attention. Ever since I saw the porn remake “The Lord of the Cock Rings” I guess I’ve just been cynical about hardcore adaptations of mainstream films. Oh well. I guess you can only capture the magic of “Forrest Hump” and “Saving Ryan’s Privates” so many times.

“No, I’m serious.” My friend insisted. “It was a really good. I think it was made in the 20s.”

That snapped me back into awareness. Suddenly my “History of Film” class from sophomore year of college vaulted to the front of my brain. As I recall, talking pictures weren’t introduced until “The Jazz Singer” in 1927. What the fuck kind of pornos were they making before that?

Then my imagination kicked in. I was suddenly deluged in images of grainy-black and white sex scenes. John Barrymore, the male lead, is wearing a bowtie, suspenders and has a cane leaning up against the wall. Bent over the canopy bed is Louise Brooks wearing an enormous hoopskirt and garters. The piano track from Charlie Chaplin plays wildly to the action. The actors’ mouths move as though speaking and suddenly the screen cuts to bold white letters on a black background.

“Oh baby! You’re the king! Smack my ass! God, you hurt so good!”

I was still struggling with this imagery so I asked my friend, “Are you sure that it was made in the 20s? You realize that back then they didn’t have color? Or sound?”

“OK, fine. I guess it wasn’t the 20s. I think it was the 40s.”

That didn't sound right either, so finally I went on the internet and looked it up. I was having trouble picturing pornos similar to "Gone With The Wind." For the record, the porn version of Alice in Wonderland had been released in 1976. I guess she was close. After all, what’s 50 years when weighed against the history of man-kind?

I have a friend who collects 70s porn. He contests that it includes some of the finest films ever made. I’m not as big a fan of 70s bush as he is, but I must agree that his collection includes some very entertaining films. And not just because of all the cheerleaders and pizza-girls they had in various stages of undress. See back then, I guess the porn industry assumed that they were making legitimate films. As a result, they subjected audiences to the most horrible acting, dialogue, plot and production values the world has ever known. Remember the films shown on “Mystery Science Theater 3000”? Anything from the 70s is about 800 times worse.

My favorites were the ones that tried to cross horror and porn. Like the one about the cheerleaders captured by Satan-worshippers. Or the one about the girl whose snatch was possessed by a demonic spirit. It spoke and everything!

Ah yes, those were the good old days before astroglide, silicon, and shaved testicles. What a minute, what the hell am I bemoaning again? Look at how fare we’ve come! I figure by 2015 all our porn will be digitally created so that the actors and actresses are completely flawless. And they’ll have crazy camera angles, like scenes out of “The Matrix.” Also, they’ll be downloadable straight to your brain so you can participate.

I guess the point of this post is to lift the spirits of us downtrodden individuals who sometime feel as if the world has gone to shit. If you ever have any doubts about how far we’ve evolved as a culture, just picture May West’s first sex scene.

Enjoy, bitches!