Why Buy The Milk When You Can Fuck The Cow For Free?

I was thinking today about people who get married before ever having sex, and trying to weigh the pros and cons for both sides. On one hand I admire their commitment, on the other it seems like a weird sort of goal. You wouldn’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive, would you? No, that’s an unfair analogy. Try this: You wouldn’t buy a car when you don’t even have a license.

Maybe I’m missing the whole point of the exercise. Sure these days it speaks volumes for your self-control, given the seemingly limitless supply of sorority girls and date-rape drugs, but the end game is still you rolling off an unsatisfied girl after two strokes on your wedding night. Or, for you ladies, bleeding while holding a traumatized guy and wondering what all the fuss was about.

I guess maybe this comes down to a fundamental difference between how people view sex. I’ve never just viewed sex as recreation…even when it was for no other purpose. I always go into each encounter trying to learn something new. I figure girls are all different, so no one thing is going to work for everyone, but by the time I get married I’ll be able to rock my wife’s world. Have you ever seen the old Kung Fu movie: The Seven Deadly Venoms? Basically, there are a bunch of different martial arts styles. I think of each woman as a master who knows one form of Kung-Fu, and my whole purpose is to learn. When I get married, I’ll be DEADLY in bed. I’ll be a master of all seven styles.

I’d be interested to know what percentage of people who saved themselves for marriage end up having affairs. One might think that it would be low because people who avoided temptation in the past can probably continue to stay the course. But maybe it would be higher due to the greater chance they’re having bad sex in marriage. Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, but it’s a real good indicator of how a couple is doing. Because bad sex means (barring medical problems) there’s no communication, bad sex leads to no sex, no sex leads to resentment, resentment leads to temptation, and temptation leads to cheating. And we all know what cheating leads to…other than herpes, I mean: shattered trust. And when the trust is gone so is whatever relationship you had.

On the other, I’ve noticed that people who have a lot of bad sex tend to completely forget that good sex exists. This number’s probably dramatically increased with those who’ve only ever slept with one person. Like I knew a girl who said that oral sex was disgusting. And she meant receiving! THAT’S the kind of thing that worries me about people who save themselves for marriage. You don’t even have a clue about what’s good and what’s bad.

Sometimes I think that’s why religious types tend to marry much earlier: they have to save themselves for marriage, while every fiber in their body is telling them to go fuck like rabbits. Something’s got to give. If I were saving myself, I would have been married at 20. I have no idea how anyone waits longer.

I don’t mean to knock the people who do it. The fundamental rule about sex should be: don’t do it unless you’re comfortable and sure. And I’m sure it’s going to make the person you end up with feel extra special that you saved yourself for them. But in the end, I’d rather do a job right then do it first.