The Church Of Ehren

The first thing that any religion needs is a fairytale about what happens when you die. Why are there so many people in the world obsessed with repressing all their natural urges and being Holier-than-Thou assholes? Because someone told them that bad shit would happen to them if they didn’t act that way. So essentially, when it comes to founding a religion, what you need is a vision of the afterlife that justifies being an enormous, unconscionable prick and still lets you sleep soundly at night knowing that you alone are walking the path to salvation.

So here’s my religion’s version of the afterlife: don’t sweat it. There’s a heaven and a hell but the more time you spend worrying about what happens when you die, the more likely you are to roast forever in a motel room in Jersey with Gilbert Godfrey while getting double penetrated up the ass by Lexington Steele and Peter North. Basically our creed is: Live In The Now.

Anything you do should be an action that improves your lot on earth, providing it doesn’t involve fucking people over…figuratively, of course. Literally fucking people over is fine, so long as they’re into that.

That means you shouldn’t be doing things just to try to score brownie points with God, because God HATES brown-nosers. And unlike the pansy God of the Christian World, our God is really big on vengeance, smoting and random acts of pestilence.

Basically, my religion says that God is a bad-ass mother-fucker. Kind of like an omniscient and omnipotent Samuel L. Jackson. God still lives at home with His mother, though and can’t quite get His shit together enough to get a job. So He watches a whole lot of day-time television and late-night infomercials. Your job is to be His entertainment and give Him something funny to watch before He gets bored and starts wrecking shit up.

Now on to the Ten Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not accept reach-arounds from 90 year-old Russian prostitutes. Cumming on their tits is still permissible, though.
2. Don’t fuck shit up for other people, or God will pimp-slap your sorry ass.
3. Killing = generally not cool. Exceptions can be made if the dude talked shit about your mom, tried to steal your watch, or cut you off in traffic.
4. Honor your father and mother…but not in that creepy, incestuous I’m-from-West-Virginia-and-live-in-a-trailer-and-mama-never-wears-a-bra sort of way.
5. Stealing: also not cool, unless you really need the money and you’re not fucking anyone else over.
6. Fucking = VERY COOL, if done safely, consensually or at least really, really hotly. God digs hard-core porn, unless his mom busts in on him and he has to cover up with the couch pillow and pretend he was watching Will and Grace.
7. Stay the fuck out of other people’s business. Every time you hassle someone you feel isn’t walking the true path, an angel has to give a handjob to 75 year-old crack addict with genital warts.
8. Trim that shit. The 70’s are over. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and when God picks the next Virgin Mary, you better have that bush under control if you expect Him to give head. And trust me, when it comes to taking Gods cock, you’re going to be MUCH happier if you’re properly lubricated first.
9. Get a sense of humor. Laugh at yourself at least four times a day or God will smite you with crabs.
10. Thou shalt not cut someone off in traffic. If you want to know why, see commandment number 3.

Now, I know a lot of people will want to known where my religion stands on pressing issues of the day such as Abortion, Stem Cell Research, and Gay Marriage. Allow me to elaborate.

• Abortions: allowed, but totally up to the woman. Guys, you’re only job in the process is to shut the fuck and fork over money as needed, either for the procedure or alimony.
• Stem Cell Research: Allowed. In fact, I support killing live babies, children and adults in the name of creating a genetically perfect army to do my unholy bidding.
• Gay Marriage: Opposed. Of course, ALL marriage is forbidden in my religion, except for the purpose of tax-fraud. There’s nothing that a ring is going to change that couldn’t be accomplished through years of psychological torment, guilt-trips and bad sex.

By this time, I’m sure you’re thinking, “Ehren, how do I join this utopian society?” Well, friends, the answer is easy. To join, send 50 cents to my paypal account, run around on the ground three times ala Curley from the Three Stooges, and yell “Wooo, Woowoowoo, Woo, Woo, Woo!”

Peace be with you, brothers and sisters.