Mormons Are Weird

Among the many small joys of my day-to-day work experience is that of dealing with people who have completely lost all grip with any kind of reality. Why do I enjoy it? Because they are individuals who have no idea that the louder they scream, the harder I laugh.

My company has a number of websites which post free news feeds. Anytime a new story goes up, we get about 50 emails: 25 from radical left-wing militants convinced we’re republican shills lying to the American public, and 25 from insane right-wing conservatives screaming about how we’re undermining the president. Ordinarily, I’d take this to mean we’re doing a pretty good job. EXCEPT we simply POST the stories. That’s right. Every single day, 50 people waste twenty minutes of their lives writing outraged emails to me about stories that are clearly marked as being supplied by someone else.

Occasionally, however, these same lunatics also manage to educate me at the same time. For example, did you know that Mormons can’t drink coffee? I came to this little nugget through a rather round-about way.

One of the websites posted an interactive survey about how often people drink coffee. A number of lunatics wrote in livid that we would do a poll on such a sacrilegious and Godless topic.

At first, I couldn’t make heads or tails of the comments. For a while I thought maybe Tom Cruise had joined a new religion or something. Finally, some of my associates on the West Coast alerted me to the fact that this was a Mormon thing. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for them, I’d still be in the dark because I don’t believe that I’ve ever met a Mormon. Frankly, until I hear otherwise, I’m working under the assumption that they’ll turn into some sort of insect when exposed to the cold of the North East.

Maybe some people think I’m being a little hard on the Mormons. Nothing could be further from the truth.

If you’re a Mormon, listen: I think…what’s his name…Jimmy Christ is bitchin’. Really. He’s totally tits. But just because other people talk about something that you don’t believe in doesn’t mean it’s an abomination. I’m Jewish. I’ve somehow managed to never be offended by someone ordering pork chops. And frankly, you have no time to be offended considering the whole polygamy thing. I mean if you’re a Mormon, what the fuck are you doing on the internet? If you’re male, you’ve got 14 wives to fuck. If you’re female, you should knocked up and dealing with 12 screaming kids. Granted, you free up some time compared to the average married woman considering you have a lot fewer orgasms to fake, but come on. If I were you, I’d spend less time being offended and more time worrying about trying to keep skin on my nipples.

Honestly, I didn’t realize that the not drinking coffee was such a pillar in the Mormon community. I mean, considering they’re allowed to marry like 18 wives it makes very little sense to me. Seems like they’re a group of people that would benefit the most from the extra caffeine boost.

Let me go over this once more, just so I’m absolutely sure I’ve got this straight. According to Mormons:

Wedding 37 16-year-old girls = ok
Sipping a single Mocha Latte = Eternal Damnation

Have I got that right?

I'm sure that you're all expecting me to launch into an attack on the Mormon "religion" but really, I only have one thing to say: Halle-fucking-lujah. Finally, a faith that hates Starbucks and loves polygamy as much as I do. Clearly this is a group of people with their priorities straight. I might convert tomorrow. The only downer would be that whole leaving-the-civilized-world-to-join-some-cult-in-the-middle-of-bumble-fuck-nowhere-Utah thing. Sure it might be nice to legally own 37 prepubescent female slaves. But even if it borders Nevada, I’m not sure I’m ready to give up on myself and move to Utah. I mean, I have to guess that Utah is sort of the New Jersey of the Southwest, only without the cheap gas.

I think I have to start my own religion. I mean, idiots are still joining scientology. I figure I can come up with a way cooler cult than that or the fucking Mormons. Seriously, what kind of religion preaches about polygamy AND avoiding promiscuity? Talk about sending mixed messages. Hmmm…More tomorrow when I release the fundamental doctrines of The Church of Ehren. In case you’re curious, odds are good that avoiding promiscuity won't make the cut.