Fun In An Elevator: Living It Up While My Career Goes Down

On the wall of my building’s elevator is the sign “Maximum: 23 persons.” Try as I might, I’m having difficulty imagining what 23 people in my elevator would like look. That’s a lot of midgets, let alone fat office types. I’m also trying to imagine what kind of dick takes a running start and jams himself into an elevator that’s already carrying 23 people.

There are a bunch of weird rules that govern etiquette between strangers in uncomfortably close conditions. Essentially, you treat them like cheap whores and never look them in the eyes. Let alone kissing them on the lips. Apparently that's a "hot button" issue with a lot of people.

Prudes.

Also, no matter what happens, never be the first one to acknowledge anything about the other passengers. It’s the same protocol that governs pissing in urinals placed uncomfortably close together: look straight ahead and pretend that no one else exists. As soon as the guy next to you takes his cock out, he turns on a cloaking device that doesn’t power-off until he zips up.

For the sake of elevator etiquette, I just took the world's most pointless ride. Having spectacularly failed to remember the maximum occupancy for our lift, I decided to go check in person. When the doors opened there was one, fat, balding bastard standing in the middle of the car. He locked eyes with me and looked so pathetic that I couldn’t bring myself to read the sign and then leave. I mean, think how paranoid that would make him: a kid steps into the car and then refuses to ride. He’d swear that his deodorant wasn’t working or something. So I rode all the way to the bottom, waited until he turned a corner and then took the same elevator back to the top. There’s my good deed for the day.

Tomorrow, however, it might be fun to mess with my fellow passengers. I’ve formulated a couple ideas.

• Wait until the Elevator is jammed and then groom the head of the person in front of me for lice.
• When the car is about full and when the doors close loudly insist that we “get a massage circle going.”
• If someone stands close to me, wait a few seconds and say, “You smell niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.” Then maintain eye-contact for the remainder of the ride.
• Step out of the elevator wearing spandex and futuristic goggles. Then grab the first person who walks by and demand “Quick, what year is this?” When they respond say, “Good…then there’s still time” and dash off.
• Wear tattered rags, a fake, straggly beard, and munch on what appears to be a human leg bone. When the door opens, fling myself out and yell, “After all these years! Freedom! Sweet, sweet freedom!” Then kiss the ground.
• Have three friends in the car. Once the trip starts, launch into song, with my friends (standing at other ends of the elevator) joining in one after another. See if I can get the whole car singing in unison. I'm thinking a stirring rendition of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" ought to do nicely.
• Wait until the car is filled and a woman stands next to me. Quietly ask her what time it is. When she answers, loudly protest “No, I will not make out with you!!! No wonder you have all those diseases, whore!!!” This one probably works best on obviously pregnant women.
• When the doors open, charge out at full speed, frantically slapping at my body and throwing my shirt off. Scream “BEES!!! FUCKING BEES!!!” and sprint for the fountain out front.
• Carry on a fake argument with a friend in sign language, getting more and more animated. At the end of the ride scream, “Fuck you!” and slap him.
• Hand out scripts to a scene from Tennessee Williams’ play “The Glass Menagerie.” Assign everyone a part and run through the scene. If there are not enough players, do multiple parts in different voices and accents.
• Wear an extravagant suit and a gaudy, expensive watch. When the doors close, pan-handle aggressively.

I figure that ought to make for some interesting entertainment. I’d say it’s a miracle if I don’t get kicked out of the building in the next week…but the REAL wonder here is that I haven’t yet been fired. Shit. I just jinxed it, didn't I?