Handsome (For a Jew)

Over the last couple weeks I’ve been looking around at various internet dating sites. I mean, as hot and romantic as my right hand is, she and I have an open relationship. And every now and then, I like to spice things up with a hand orgy. Or even add in a mouth and vagina just keep things interesting. Hey, variety is the spice of life.

I had narrowed my options down to two sites: match.com and JDate. Here are the pros and cons of each:

Match: There are more girls available, and they are probably way sluttier than their Talmud-toting sisters. However, there is also way more competition.

JDate: The girls have way fewer options to choose from, so as a result I look way better. Unfortunately, they might not want to sleep with me until I get a medical license, move to Long Island and cut a hole in a sheet.

Obviously, it was not an easy choice. Because each allows you to create a profile for free, I decided to give them both a couple weeks to woo me one way or another. In the end it wasn’t even close. The Jewish girls are three times more desperate than the match.com whores. And if I'm to stand any chance of deceiving a woman into having sex with me, I need them as desperate as possible. Which is why most of my exes are hobos.

This proves my theory that I am handsome for a Jew. Which is sort of like being tan for an Irishman, tall for a midget or fast for a paraplegic.

JDate is a weird place. Hundreds of Jews lured into putting their names on a list. Wow, where have I heard that one before? They could have just exploited Hitler’s master list for marketing purposes when they started up. Sure some of the people would have been dead, but chances are good the survivors were single again.

The site does not actually require its members to be Jewish. I mean, it’s not like they asked me to send in a picture of my circumcised cock to join. Which is good, because that would have gotten very depressing very soon on a Jewish dating site. I believe Lisa Lampanelli said it best when she said, “The only thing shorter than a Jewish guy’s dick is a black man’s to-do list.”

My Muslim friend asked if he would be allowed to join. That would make for some interesting dates. I told him that he should wait until he was inside her to break the news. There he’d be, sliding in, she’s getting all into it and then he yells at the top of his lungs: “Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!”

Or maybe that high-pitch yodel as if he’s about to slay an infidel.

As an alternative, he could strap a bomb to balls and assure the girl that either he or the bomb were going to explode in 5 minutes.

I have another friend who has a huge list of sex accomplishments he wants to complete before he dies. There’s some good stuff on there: MILFS, midgets, Asian twins, a celebrity, and probably 99 other things that escape me at the moment. But if he really wants a challenge, he should try to get an Israeli girl and a Palestinian chick in a three-way. There’s something symbolic about an American fucking a Palestinian while an Israeli works his balls.