College Sports: The Most Crooked Sport This Side Of Foxy-Boxing

March Madness is on us once more and all I have to say is “Fuck College Sports.” Really. College sports are SO wrong on SO many levels. I refuse to attend or watch college games on principle. Let’s start with the least deplorable bit of this disgusting past-time and work our way up.

First, I don’t understand why people would WANT to watch college sports. Are there not enough pro-sports out there to satisfy your need for pointless competition? If that’s the case, I’ll give you three to one that you haven’t seen a woman naked in years. College Basketball is even worse because they do it while NBA is in full swing. If you’re into basketball, why would you want to watch semi-pro over professionals? It’s like banging Margaret Thatcher when Selma Hyack is naked, oiled and spread eagle on your bed. Where are we going with this next? Retarded, Paraplegic French-Women’s Softball?

Second, I have no idea why anyone would root for a college team. How many dumb rednecks are into Duke or Georgetown, but never even open an admissions booklet? Seriously, spend that energy and attend some of your kid’s little league games. If you attended one of these schools, how can you be anything pissed off at these student athletes?

Let me explain something: I graduated from college and I had to bust my ass and accrue a sizable debt to do it. These “student athletes” are an embarrassment. I’ve watched post game interviews, ok.

“We juz…you know pulled together for coach. And I know’d da lor’ juz wanted uz to win cuz we done ex’cuted fundamentals.”

Is this the image you want projected to the world about the kind of graduates your school produces? These kids

1. Don’t know dick
2. Don’t pay dick
3. Don’t do dick

I would be PISSED OFF that a kid, who doesn’t have to meet GPA and SAT minimums, attend classes, or apply for financial aid was getting a degree similar to the one I sweated, crammed and bankrupted myself for. He can put the ball through a hoop. Big fucking deal. Remind me again why this is something that makes one deserving of a free-pass?

And don’t give me that “school spirit” bullshit. Your school is mercilessly fucking you for any and all funds they can squeeze out of your parents. My student loan officer is one late payment away from breaking my knees with a crowbar behind a bar. There are Siberian Prison camps that showed more compassion than I received at my school (that was aimed at New Paltz where, thankfully, I spent one hellish semester before transferring. FUCK SUNY NEW PALTZ!). You want my school spirit, here you go: if I see you walking down the street with a sweatshirt from my university, I will make an effort not to swerve up onto the sidewalk and grind your face into the pavement with my front tire. Yay, Blue Devils!

Lastly, I detest the sheer dishonesty of it. I understand that the world is corrupt. But the corruption displayed in college sports is the kind that is so blatant that it makes you want to riot. Every 30 seconds, some portion of the following cycle is publicized:

1. A school is busted and/or fined for a news story where it’s revealed that some of their athletes had people taking their tests for them, received cash, committed crimes that where covered up by the university.
2. The School expresses shock, outrage and disbelief. The coach is promptly fired.
3. 1 year later the same coach is hired by another school and the cycle begins again.

Basically, what each one of these schools is saying is:

"We don’t care about academics, morality, or even the pretense of honesty. If you attend this school and you’re not an “athlete,” fuck you. You’re a third class citizen. All we care about is you paying your tuition or, for you females, providing a place to deposit precious Student Athlete-semen."

I would have far more respect for these schools if they stopped with the pretense that these kids were students. In fact, I might even be able to stomach the whole event if I thought that these academic instuitions were displaying a portion of the integrity and excellence they're always claiming to stand for. These kids are not there to learn and we all know they’re getting paid. Just because you’re giving scholarships to idiots, doesn’t mean everyone else is one. Then again, judging from March Madness ratings, maybe we are.