I was incapacitated by laughter for the better part of 10 minutes. Not to make light of some one else’s pain…well, ok, I guess I am. I guess I just find the idea that a morning radio man, whose job it is to get people excited and happy about the day, has a crippling, horrible illness.
“Hey folks…today I thought about killing myself again. God, I hate you all. Living your lives. You don’t know what it’s like to suffer, any of you! I hope you ROT, you smug bastards!!!”
Or maybe
“Hey, this is Mad Wolf in the morning, coming to you live on DC 101. I’m glad you stopped in this morning. Today we’ll be talking to Rob Lowe, having strippers in for a hotdog eating contest, and don’t miss part 27 of our ongoing series: the agonizing pain with which I live every waking moment!”
I also observed that there are a number of illnesses that I find hysterical. Not people suffering from them understand. It’s pretty much just the names. Here they are:
- Lupus
- The Hantavirus
- SIDS
- Scabies
- Rickets
You realize what I’ve done, right? I’ve just published the names of one of the afflictions guaranteed to kill me. It’ll be the only time anyone will be able to say, “He died of Scabies. How’s that for poetic justice.”
I don’t even know what scabies is.
The other incident that reduced me to incoherence (well, more than usual. Incoherence is rated on a sliding scale) involved a movie plot. My friend was telling me about an idea for a movie involving a prison in the future, where whatever crime landed you there is committed against you every day of your stay there. Sure, the murderers get off pretty easy, and it’d be difficult to find a dude whose job it’d be to ass-fuck the rapists, but the people I think would have it the hardest? Car thieves.
I can just imagine a car-thief waking up one day, 20 years after his offense and just being utterly reduced to tears.
“Please, God, I’ve learned my lesson! I just want to be able to keep a job or make a date with a girl!”
I know…I’m sick.
4 comments:
hahahahaha...SCABIES IS GROSS!!! (It's like body lice...SICK!)
You are funny, and yes, one day you will probably die of scabies...Even though I don't think you can actually die of scabies...Just because you posted this post though, you will be the first person in the entire frigging world to die of scabies...
SICK!!!!
Either way, you are funny, and you will be remembered as the funny man who died of scabies...
(I LOVE TO SAY SCABIES...It sounds funny...)
Kisses,
Shelka is right scabies is like body lice except that they live under the skin. They make tunnels and lay eggs.
They are very contagious (you can contract them just by brief skin to skin or skin to clothing contact with an infested individual) and prefer to live in warm areas of the body. That means all the nooks and crannies if you know what I mean.
Yep, they would congregate around your prized assest, under your butt cheeks and other fun hard to access areas.
The treatment is a topical cream applied generously paying special attention to the "hard to access" area and left on overnight.
So from a nursing perspective you wouldn't die, but you sure would be uncomfortable.
We'll address hantavirus next time.
There are a few other diseases that we can pick as a cause of death for you. I'll have to think of a few you might find amusing and run them by you. We can have the deadly disease sweepstakes and readers could vote for which disease they think you should eventually die from.
Hmmm..........
E I think you forgot some like Scurvy and Diphtheria. Did you know where I am going in a week and a half Diphtheria is prevalent. So maybe I should not be adding to your list and latter get hosed. I don't know what it does but anything that ends in theria always bodes ill for me.
Damn! You're totally right! How could I have forgotten Scurvey? I swear, sometimes I think this alzheimers has gotten the best of me...
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