Dinner Is Served

One of the key differences between men and women is this: women like good sex. Men like ANY sex. I knew a few girls who, through years of bad sex and incompetent lovers, had almost completely been turned off to sex.

I met a girl at a concert once. She was tall, had a great body and a very pretty face. I flirted a bit with her, but I noticed an almost sexless aura that she gave off. It was just something about the way she spoke or the way she moved you could just tell: she was not very sexual.

Despite that, I persevered. I’m nothing if not determined. I had been speaking to her for perhaps a week when I said, “You know, you’ve never had really great sex. I don’t care what you say about your old boyfriends or hook-ups, I can tell just by talking to you that you’ve never had GREAT sex.”

She protested, but I didn’t back off. I asked her about her last boyfriend.

“He was a virgin”
Strike one.
“He didn’t really have any other experience with women.”
Strike two.
“He wasn’t really into foreplay”
You’re outta here, buddy.

This poor girl had been with the same bad lay for over a year, proof that men are far too insecure about their performances in bed. If a man can go a year without giving a girl and orgasm and she still sticks with him, there’s nothing that he can do in bed that will make her leave him. Seriously, that to me is more reprehensible than the girls you see on the internet blowing horses. Because in that scenario, at least you know the horse is enjoying itself.

At any rate, my attempted seduction was made doubly hard by her ex. Not only was she really hot, she had completely forgotten what adequate sex was. Let me tell you: if I have to argue a case before the Supreme Court, I will never again be as persuasive. If I ever have to talk a jumper down from a ledge, I’ll never be as soothing and as inspiring of trust. I shit you not, by the time I was done working this girl, I could have gotten her to agree to a threesome involving herself, her mother, and some sort of water creature.

When I finally got her into bed, I made a conscious decision. Generally, I do what I can to make sure the girl involved has a great time. This time, I went a step farther—I was ready to give up my body. Forget my own pleasure, I was going to give it my all, chaffing, cramps and latex burn be damned!

From then on, she was even hotter. She began flirting more, making more lewd comments, and on top of that seemed so much more happy and relaxed. Later, she told me that I had reawakened her interest in sex.

What can I say? I go where I’m needed.

Seriously though, it’s this type of shit that makes me despair for the state of gender relations. I don’t care how great you get along with eachother outside of the bedroom, when it gets to the point that either of you has no interest in sex, that’s a dysfunctional relationship. On one hand, I wish that men and women could talk about sex without being defensive and really work through their issues. On the other hand, I’m more than willing to revive the appetite of a girl who’s been fasting for time out of mind. Ladies, dinner is served.