Why Ike Beat Tina

My friend recently sent me an email discussing potential problems with my “Long Distance Dating Formula.” One of his problems with the theory was that he felt that it would be impossible to carry on a relationship with a girl who was negative 10 beers. A hot girl who drank 10 beers would be comatose, thus unable to do anything in bed or offer any good conversation.

He has a point, but I think he’s missing an important rule of dating women: while getting a hot girl is extremely difficult, maintaining a relationship with a hot girl takes almost no effort. So she might have to be drunk to go to bed with you, but once she's done so, it takes very little effort to keep her around as a steady girlfriend. So she wouldn't actually have to be drunk for the entire duration of your relationship. Probably just the first romantic, enchanting, barely-consensual night.

Getting a hot woman is hard. I usually feel that if I have a few hours of one-on-one time with a girl, I’ve got a 75% chance of convincing her to go to bed with me. Or at least agreeing to consider going to bed with me. Believe me that this isn’t me being conceited: it’s just that in my opinion most women are just looking for a funny, compassionate guy. In a club or bar environment, though, women are in this whole other environment and attitude. It reminds me of what it must be like pitching an idea for a TV show: make me laugh in 7 seconds or get the fuck out of my face.

In a club or bar, girls are more inclined to just shoot a guy down based on his appearance or some snap decision. It’s like they’re just conditioned to say “no.” That’s why there’s really nothing better than the network of friends. Girls who would have thrown a drink in my face at a bar have spent whole evenings telling me their inner most thoughts and desires just because I claim to have a mutual friend.

Women take a lot of convincing, but, in my experience, once they’ve made their decision, they show a dedication to getting what they want that no man can top. Think about it: women are willing to put up with bad sex, outlandish body hair, immature behavior AND repulsive body-odors—and that’s from the good men. Everybody knows a hot girl who’s managed to put herself with some loser who mistreats her. You know what the constant is? SHE ALWAYS STICKS BY HIM.

I’ve been dumped all of once. In my experience woman are looking for a reason to stay, rather than an excuse to leave. Which is shocking, because it seems like they’re qualifications for acceptance seem so high or particular. It’s like hiring an employee based on one good interview, turning over the keys to the company, giving him an unlimited budget and then never checking in on him again.

I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: low standards for interviewing, high standards for promoting. It’s really the only way to run a business. Sure, I waste a lot of time dealing with candidates who are absolute disasters, but I also find some great diamonds in the rough.

I was watching a new HBO show last night called “Big Love,” which is about a family of polygamists. Even after seeing the episode, I have no clue how that works in real life. The guy in the show has three wives, 12 children and downs Viagra like Whitney does coke. That was wrong of me. I have no proof that Whitney actually does coke. It might just be crack and crytal-meth.

At any rate, over the course of the show, you learn that each woman was married at a different time, usually about 6-10 years apart. My question is: how do you have the balls to be married to two women and then start dating a third? This really ties in with everything I was just saying. Why the hell would wife number one still be around? Because she loves her man. And even if he’s bringing home more women to marry, she’s not going anywhere.

Listen to me, women. If you wonder why men treat you so badly, it’s because you don’t hold us to the standards you set when you picked us up. You let us get away with being selfish, careless, and clueless because we know that Tina’s always going to be there for Ike.