Jack Saddle: Great Friend, Ghost Writer, and Exorcism-Nominee

I’m sure that by now, a number of you are wondering about the people I hang out with. It seems as if every single post I write has a story that begins, “I have this friend who once…” And from there I launch into the most unlikely, or unbelievable account that you’ve ever heard. Well, lest anyone think that my stories are less than gospel truth, I proudly present my first ever post by a special guest. The rant below is courtesy of one of my friends who has chosen the pseudonym “Jack Saddle." He keeps telling me that if he ever makes a porno, that’ll be his screen name. I keep telling him they have laws against exploiting medical curiosities. Enjoy, Bitches!

Words form Jack Saddle:

Taking the suggestion that E has proposed (that he should have guest writers on his blog to show how strange some of his friends) are I jumped at the chance. So here goes.

You know what I was thinking about today? I was thinking about how you never really hear about Muslims or Jews being possessed by evil spirits. This department of possessions and exorcisms are exclusively held down by our wily Christian brethren. I mean there is a slue of movies depicting priests going around the world and performing exorcisms. You hear about stigmata in small Mexican towns. What the fuck, just because the Muslims and Jews don’t believe that Jesus was the Son of God we get gyped of the whole getting possessed thing? It’s like God said, “you don’t want to believe in my son you are cut off, no evil spirits will posses your kind.”

I mean, I have never met anyone that was possessed, but if it’s anything like the movies portray then, shit sign me up! What better way to freak out your mother, get out of school and work then a good old possession? You can clime walls and throw up green shit—you basically become spider man. Plus, all of a sudden you can speak Aramaic a 3000-year-old dead language. Shit, have enough trouble with Spanish but apparently when you are possessed your become quite the linguist. You basically become the life of every party. I know if I was high and I saw one of my friends crawl up a wall, I would find it cool. Come to think of it, I did see that but that’s a whole different story—most of that night is a blur anyway.

You could become one of the most feared Don’s in the Mafia history. Going by what movies have told me of course, who in their right mind would want to piss of a guy that has the spawn of satan living within. You’d be a bigger bad ass then Dick Chaney, and he shot a guy and then made him apologize.

Though I would imagine it would be a lonely life. Yeah you’d be fun at parties and feared in your day to day, but no one wants to fuck a guy who’s voice drops 7 octave below Barry White’s during sex. I wonder if you could some what control the demon that’s in you, it would be type awkward trying to pick up a girl. You ask her, “can I buy you a drink?” She says, “yeah, cuz you look stable enough.” And then half way to the bar you forget what she wanted and your head automatically turns 180 degrees to ask her again. I don’t know, I see some set backs in certain social situations.

I guess I have to meet someone that’s been through it and ask them how it was. I mean you don’t want to be stuck with something you don’t want, like that time I wanted rock ‘em sock ‘em robots and got them, but it turned out to be less fun then the commercial initially illustrated. In conclusion the super powers and linguistic skills would be cool but never getting laid again would be a problem for me. So I guess I am happy that Muslims and Jews can’t be possessed, good looking out, God. Keep up the good work.

-Jack Saddle