(Rich) Girls Gone Wild

I was on E Skelton’s blog yesterday and I couldn’t help but run across one of his posts about Anna Benson. For those of you not familiar with this particular black hole of intelligence, taste and clothing (Anna Benson, not E Skelton), her claim to fame is being married to a mediocre pitcher for the Baltimore Orioles. She’s a former stripper who dreams of being a super model. Or so I gather.

On a side note, what the hell is the difference between models and super models? The job of a model is to walk down a runway, spin and then walk back. How can one person be better at that than another? What are the regular models doing? Just spinning the whole way out there? Do they get to the end of the runway and forget to stop? What the fuck?

Anyway, back to Anna Benson. E Skelton bemoans the fact that she’s become famous when she has no redeeming qualities to offer the world. He also says that she’s not all that hot.

She’s definitely a celebrity in the vein of Paris Hilton: a rich, dumb skank. I’m really not sure why people keep paying attention to her. I mean seriously, if releasing a poorly made sex tape on the internet is all it takes to get your own TV show and movie roles, where the fuck is my contract? All I got out of that was a lawsuit and a bad case of genital warts. On the other hand, it goes a long way towards explaining Motley Crue’s continued existence.

Here is all the thought I put into Paris Hilton: “wow, that’s one strung-out looking grasshopper.”

Still, Anna Benson doesn’t really piss me off nearly as much. Why? I have three words for you: Anna Nicole Smith. Anna Benson is a failed reality show and 50,000 Big Macs away from being spit out the bottom of the Porn Industry. Paris is no fun because she’s always going to have Daddy’s money. In 7 years she’ll be a whore dying of hepatitis, but she’ll still be rich. Anna Benson is much more fun because she has no idea that her life has already peaked. I keep rooting for her because the more successful she is now, the more entertaining her crashing and burning is going to be.

Besides…I think she’s hot. She falls into this whole category of “hot” that I have, and girls, don’t EVEN tell me that it’s an exclusively male view. I think she might be even more attractive because I know she’s borderline retarded and brings nothing to the table in terms of a personality.

Allow me to explain. Her exterior is about flawless, but inside, she hardly qualifies as human. This means that no matter what you did to her, it would be guilt free. Sort of like having sex with a really attractive insect who’d managed to get breast implants. I want you to understand, I’ve never really had any particularly outrageous sexual urges…but for her, I’d make an exception. I’d fuck her like the South fucked black people.

I know someone’s going to chime in and say, “How could you write such an awful thing.” Ladies, don’t even tell me that you’re all waiting to jump Brad Pitt because his tight, hot personality. I’ve sat with girls through movies before. The shit they say about men is WAY more sexist than the foulest stuff I’ve heard from guys. And I don’t blame you for it! I salute your crassness and I completely understand.

My friend has similar feelings for Jessica Simpson. He was telling me how hot she was and all the unprintable things he’d do to her if given half a chance.

“You know she’s an idiot, right? Like, roughly the same intelligence of a brain-damaged chimp?”

“I don’t care!” he answered. “Have you seen her ass? I’d fuck the stupid right out of her.”

Crude. But, oh so true.