Ballad Of The "Easy Rider"

“I want you to know that I love and respect your boundaries. You should know that I would never cross a line that could damage the trust you and I have built together.”

“Yeah, but--”

“Seriously, honey. You know I love you, right?”

“OK, do you--”

“I feel as if we’re just two bodies with one soul.”

“Uh-huh, I’m still not going to let you go bareback.”

Who says that men are incapable of being sweet? I think the dialogue above proves that men can be every bit as eloquent and open about their feelings as women—given the right motivation, of course. No, as beautiful as the lines above are, I can’t take credit for the conversation above. I was at work yesterday, when one of my friends called me to recount the conversation above. She was the “lady” (and I use that term loosely) in the exchange above.

Seriously, though, I know I’ve said a lot of stupid things in the past, and I’m sure that I’ve tried far more idiotic arguments, but come on…how could anyone think that one would fly?

“Yeah, well my boundaries end with you not wearing a condom.”

“OK, I respect that. But if you ever change your mind about that, I want to be the first person you call.”

Somehow, I have difficulty imagining someday receiving a call from a girl that goes:

“Hey, Ehren. How’re you doing? Uh-huh. How about that weather? Oh yeah, I just wanted to let you know I’ve decided to stop using rubbers. Ta!”

Here’s a tip for Mr. Prince Charming. If you’re really going to suggest that a girl you’ve known for all of a week give up on latex-burn, you may not want make jokes like:

“I started to write out a list of people I’ve slept with, but then I realized that I already had a copy of the phonebook.”

It doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.

I might be the only guy in existence who doesn’t think that wearing condoms is that big of an inconvenience. Yeah, it doesn’t feel as good, and it kills the mood when you have to get up and sort through your bedside drawer, but in the big picture is that really such an enormous inconvenience? Maybe it’s just me, but given the choice between latex burn and burning discharge, it’s not even close.

I’ve been with a few girls who, when a condom wasn’t available, said, “It’ll be ok this once. Just pull out when you finish.” Bitch, I can’t even remember my name the instant before I orgasm. I don’t even feel pain! How the hell else do you think I could support your fat ass? There’s no way I trust myself to remember to pull out.

Believe me, sex is important. Once I walked 2 miles through the snow in Mid-January…in Buffalo to get condoms. I almost lost a toe!

At any rate, back to the story I heard yesterday. The punch-line is that a day after telling my friend that he loved her not once, but three times, she called his cell-phone.

“The number you have dialed has been disconnected. No further information is available.”

All I can say is that this is a man who obviously has his priorities straight. They are in order:

1. Sex without condoms
2. Finding lots of girls who will have sex without condoms
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47. Sincerity
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108. Cleanliness
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7,981,630. Paying phone bill.