Jesus VS Superman

I’ve been having a lot of Nyquil-induced hallucinations recently. Among my more amusing visions was one for yet another blasphemous comic book. Way back in December when I flipped out and decided I wanted to write “The Adventures of Black Jesus Featuring the God Squad,” I was mostly kidding. I also realized later on that I had sort of subliminally ripped of the idea from the Adult Swim show The Boondocks.

On my desk at work I have two bobble-heads: one of the Buddy Christ from the Kevin Smith film “Dogma” and one of Superman from the film…Superman. People always ask me why I have the two of them, and my reply is always, “Because they’re my favorite fictional characters.” At any rate, I was looking at my desk and I began to wonder who would win in a fight between the Son of God and the Son of Krypton.

Superman can fly, shoot lasers from his eyes, and can move “faster than a speeding bullet.” But he loses points for parading around in spandex and a cape. Plus, he’ll drop anything he’s up to if Lois is in danger. You ever think that maybe Lois Lane should consider retiring? I mean, how many times does that uppity bitch have to be kidnapped? You’d think that she’d eventually get the message: Stop fucking with Lex Luther!

Jesus can walk on water, return from the dead and turn water into wine. Granted a never-ending supply of alcohol is infinitely cool, but ultimately fairly limited when it comes to being used as a weapon in hand to hand combat. We all know that the Catholic Church claims that Jesse’s blood is actually wine. Now if he could turn OTHER people’s blood into bubbling spirits, then it’d be a weapon. In fact, if I could have one super power that might be it. How fun would it be to suddenly turn your boss’ blood-alcohol level to .25% just before that big meeting? As for the whole “rising from the dead” thing, I’ve often wondered (especially around Easter), what if Jesus was just a zombie? It’s just something to ponder.

Supes and Jesse actually have a whole lot in common: sent to earth by their fathers to be the salvation of mankind, extraordinary powers, pathetic with women…they’re a spandex suit and a pair of sandals away from being twins. How’s that for the ultimate buddy movie?

24 A.D. Jesus roams the desert looking for his long lost twin brother Clark Christ. The two hit the road in a heart-warming comic adventure about life, beer, and bi-curious man love. Hey, there’s no way I’m the only one whose figured out that Superman is gay. Come on, how many straight men do you know who dress up in spandex, knee-high boots and always seem to have their little spit-curl in place? The man has two identities and both of them are fruitier than a mimosa…getting ass-fucked…in the backroom of a bar named “the toolbox”…by a mimosa of the same gender…while listening to show-tunes.

Clark wears his little glasses and is entirely too conservative and “anal.” The guy lives alone in his neat little apartment, but goes out nights dressed up in tights to grapples with large, scantily-clad men. Or goes and hangs out with other spandex flaunting men in the Justice League. We all know that’s just the name of the gay bar that Batman and Robin hang out at when they’re looking to swing. Face it, the reason he’s not fucking Lois Lane is because he’s too busy going down on Jimmy Olson in the copy-room of the Daily Planet.

All this from a guy who two days ago said that he’d marry 64 year-old British dude. I swear next week’s blog will be all about sex with hot girls.