Late Night TV and Things NOT to Ask Your Significant Other

Generally, I have a TV “safety zone” that I stay in. I figure that if I can’t find anything on my few favorite channels, I’m not going to find anything. My zone consists of:

ESPN
HBO
Discovery
Comedy Central
And after 10:30: Cartoon Network
For small periods of time when I want to oggle hot girls: Telemundo or Univision

I'm sorry, but I just don't have the patience to deal with network TV anymore. So basically, if there’s nothing on HBO I just give up and go download porn. Last night at around midnight, I was so bored that I was channel surfing through the unknown wilds of the dial. I was like the Magellan of the cable TV globe. Until last night I didn't even know that my TV went higher than 50. As is my nature, I usually give each channel about 2 seconds to captivate me or I move on. Hey, that’s longer than I give most women! Being a man, I heard the word “orgasm” and stayed my hand on the most unlikely of candidates: the Oxygen Network.

There, dressed in huge glasses and a sweater, was a 70 year old woman named Sue Johanson talking about the most outrageous sexual acts I’ve ever heard. If I’m the last one to hear about this show, forgive me. I have a tendency to be slow in keeping up with today’s youth. For example, did you know that some singers (or “rappers” as they like to be called) yell the lyrics instead of singing the melody properly? When did this happen???

I have trouble picturing what the average person from the Midwest looks like, but if I had to pick one person, it’d be this sweet-tempered old skank. I tried describing the weirdness of watching what looks to be my grandmother describe in graphic detail the finer points of fisting only to have a Doctor Ruth reference brought up. It wasn’t exactly fair. See, no one could look at Doctor Ruth and not think she wasn’t a little crazy. She just had that look and strange accent that was out there. But no matter how long I watched this show, and no matter how long I heard Mrs. Sweet Old Grandma talk about swallowing semen, threesomes and bondage, I was never prepared for the shit that came out of her mouth. Every time she opened her mouth, I expected her to talk about cookies or knitting. For an hour the world was a better, less sarcastic place, because I was literally rendered speachless.

The highlight of the episode was when she took a call from a woman complaining about her boyfriend’s penis size. Without blinking an eye, she said, “Honey, what you need to do is head down to a good sex-shop and pick up a penis-extension like this.” Where upon she reached into her desk and pulled out…a penis extension. It was a silicon piece that would fit over a man’s rig and add an extra few inches of length and girth. I wasn’t stunned that such a thing had been invented…but I was pretty shocked that she had one lying about. I mean, even if you’re the host of a call-in sex show, how often would you really need something like that? For purposes other than your poorly-hung sound-guy, I mean. Who carries something like that around with them?

Also, I have difficulty imagining a scenario where a man could be asked to wear a penis-extension and not be a little insulted. I think that if I were ever with a girl who asked me to get one I’d have to say, “Only if you get that pussy-clamp I’ve looking at. Deep-sea shipping barges have tighter handling than you. I swear, last night I thought I was balls deep in the storm cellar.”