She Loves Tool

Maybe it’s a good thing that I didn’t have a lot of friends as a child. Because I believe it shaped my self-amusement skills. Some people might say that I missed out on building valuable social skills. To those people I say, “Why won’t you be my friend? Is it because I called your mother ‘Hitler with a bigger mustache’ or because I screamed incessantly ‘I don’t like to be touched’ for twenty minutes after that stranger bumped into me on the elevator?”

At any rate, what I lack in social skills, I make for in hours of endless self-amusement, which leads to me being seen laughing hysterically to myself, which, ironically, in turn leads to further deterioration of my ability to make friends. It’s a perfect circle.

Sure, “companionship” and “non-pariah-hood” might be nice. But it would also severely cut into the time I have set aside to laugh uncontrollably to dick jokes for half and hour like I did today.

A friend of mine mentioned she was going to a concert over the weekend. The name of the band happens to be “Tool.” By now I’m sure everyone can see where this post is headed. None-the-less, I’d be remiss in my duties if I didn’t list some the 20,000 cock jokes that followed over the next 30 minutes.

• So you’re a girl who loves Tool?
• You bought tickets to see Tool
• Have you ever been with Tool before?
• Sounds like you can’t get enough Tool
• Are you going to try to get all the Tool you can handle this weekend?
• What do you do after enjoying Tool? Smoke? Cuddle?
• Are you sick of the puns yet? Because I wouldn't want you to get worn out from too much Tool
• Do you get cranky if you don't get Tool on a regular basis?
• Do you go online and look for pictures of Tool?
• I hope you’re not disappointed. I heard that Tool is shorter than the pictures suggest.
• You like how they look, huh? So you're telling me that tomorrow you're going to spend the evening drooling over a hot Tool?
• If you’re close enough to the speakers, you should be able to feel Tool ripping through your body.
• In the car, do you ever shove Tool in while driving?
• Did you get good seats tomorrow? Nothing’s worse than having to squint at the Tool you paid good money to see. Hopefully you can have Tool right in your face all night
• Do you sing along? Because you strike me as someone who enjoys Tool coming out of her mouth.
• I hope, for your sake, that you get enough Tool to satisfy you. And if you want penis afterwards, just call me.

Classic. More tomorrow when I make fun of my friends who have tickets to go see Dave Mathews. There’s no pun there. He just fucking sucks.