The Long Distance Dating Formula

My friend has composed an ingenious system of ranking how beautiful a woman is. We call it the beer scale. The idea is to measure how many beers it would take in order for you to sleep with a girl or for her to sleep with you. Thus, an ugly girl would be 5 beers and an attractive girl would be negative 5 beers.

A while ago, I wrote that there is a direct relationship between how hot a girl is and how long distance a relationship a man is willing to tolerate. However, I realized that I wasn’t fully taking into account ability in bed.In order to come up with a worth-while formula, however, we need to first come up with an accurate measurement for a woman’s bedroom abilities. I submit that we divide the bedroom portion into four distinct portions, each deserving of a grade between 1 and 25.

• Foreplay: how well does she rev your engine and make you want her?
• Oral: does she have a silver tongue?
• The Main Event: No real explanation needed here…
• Creativity: can she get both legs behind her head? Extra points are awarded for “nailing the dismount.”

Now that we have our ranking systems, I am proud to submit the first ever “Long Distance Dating” formula:

So let’s try an example. Say you’re dating a blazing hot girl, with decent foreplay skills, no experience in oral, great in bed, and moderately creative. Then she ups and moves 200 hundred miles away. Should you break up with her?

-10 (57) + 400 < 0
-170 < 0

Conclusion: stick with that girl! In fact, we can definitively see that that girl is worth sticking with if she moves up to 285 miles away. I really don’t know how men functioned before the advent of this formula. I’ll be sending this to the patent office next week. I fully expect this to replace Einstein’s relativity theory as the single most important equation of all time.

A few side notes about what an evil person I am. (Note: I recently discovered that a small segment of the population suffers from a condition known as “Sarcasm Interpretation Deficiency. People with SID can’t tell when I’m making a joke, so they write me angry messages at 4 A.M., accusing me of not having a soul. For their convenience, paragraphs in red are meant as sarcastic, tongue in cheek comments.)

As I was writing this, a friend of mine came up behind me. I asked for his assistance in thinking of one last category in ranking bedroom performance and he said, “How about the way you two interact afterwards.”

I stared at him blankly for a second and said, “Why would a man care about what a woman does after sex? I just assumed that 2 minutes afterwards you’re already driving home again.”

In the words of Dave Attell, “It’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t escape.”

My friend responded, “Well, you know some times relationships require brief intervals of speech between the two parties involved.”

“Relationships? The most speaking I’ve ever had to give on the subject is, ‘Whoa, honey. I think that by sleeping with me, I may have inadvertently given you the wrong impression.’”