Bill W. And I Are "Just Friends." I Swear.

Today I got the following email from a close friend:

"so, i hadn't read your blog for about two weeks and i sat down and read them all in succession tonight. i fear that your addiction to sex may have surpassed your addiction to soco. am i really off the mark in saying that?"

I must admit, after a quick scan of my posts over the past week, that she may have a valid point. So I decided to investigate the issue a little deeper.

According to Jennifer Schneider, MD, PhD, the patterns and symptoms of sex addiction are:

1. Fantasy sex: neglecting commitments because of fantasy life, masturbation
2. Seductive role sex: extramarital affairs (heterosexual or homosexual), flirting and seductive behavior
3. Anonymous sex: engaging in sex with anonymous partners, having one night stands
4. Paying for sex: paying prostitutes for sex, paying for sexually explicit phone calls
5. Trading sex: receiving money or drugs for sex
6. Voyeuristic sex: patronizing adult bookstores and strip shows, looking through windows of houses, having a collection of pornography at home or at work
7. Exhibitionist sex: exposing oneself in public places or from the home or car, wearing clothes designed to expose
8. Intrusive sex: touching others without permission, using position of power (e.g., professional, religious) to sexually exploit another person, rape
9. Pain exchange: causing or receiving pain to enhance sexual pleasure
10. Object sex: masturbating with objects, cross-dressing to add to sexual pleasure, using fetishes as part of sexual rituals, having sex with animals
11. Sex with children: forcing sexual activity on a child, watching child pornography

Well, there’s no way I can pretend numbers 1, 2, 3, and 6 don’t apply. Forgive the expression, but you could say I’m “fucked.” I’ve cut classes, obsessed about flirting (umm…haven’t you read the rest of this blog? That’s pretty much ALL I obsess about), had one night stands, and have a pretty extensive porno collection. Thankfully, however, I have the decency to keep my pornography at home.

It’s rather depressing that I’m wondering whether extenuating circumstances come into play. For example, I’m not really into number 9, but this one time I was dating a girl who owned one of those big paddles that fraternities use to initiate new members and…well, you get the idea. And number 7, too. They don’t say whether having sex eight feet from your girlfriend’s slumbering roommate counts. I mean, it’s not like it happened all that often. 5, 6 times tops. OK, maybe 10.

The good news is that I’m definitely in the clear for numbers 4, 5, 8, 10 and 11. The bad news is that means, at worst, my score says that by a count of 6-5 I should check myself into a support group. I’d say “fuck me” but that might only exacerbate the problem (not to mention leading to more of number 3).

Wow…You know, I really didn’t think that it would be all that close. Seriously, I knew I enjoyed sex, but an illness…You know, if I had to pick one sex-related disease that I’d wind up with, nymphomania would have been near the bottom. I always assumed it would be one of those exotic illnesses, like “tropical crotchrot,” “bubonic testiculitis,” or “Explosive-hemorrhagic-whopping-cockhead-fever.”

Who would have thought that writing a blog with 183 posts on the general top of sex would be a tip-off to that I had a sex addiction?

I guess the bright spot in all this is that while recovery might suck, at least Sexaholics Anonymous is an unbelievable place to meet women.